Day 24

Who else is exhausted today besides me? My body clock is so messed up. Between being in Pacific Time Thursday and Friday, coming back to Central time for about 10 hours Friday night, waking up at 6am to fly to Cleveland where I was in Eastern time, and the gaining the hour Saturday night, the dry-mouth vodka induced 7am wakeup Sunday morning and then flying back to Chicago and Central time yesterday - I'm just beat down. Today is a strange day, I came back to a ton of work and a lot on my mind. I woke up at 6:15 for no reason and lied in bed listening to Howard Stern. It was pitch dark. I hate daylight savings time. Anyways, I have a general feeling of malaise over me today. It's gray and eerie out there and its Halloween.

On to my least favorite Holiday of the year as an adult. The two nights I dread the most are always Halloween and New Years. Nothing worse than drunken morons dressed up like bumblebees, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, or the oldest of bits "70's guy" or a pimp. Talk about the most tired costume ever. I never liked it in college either, even though many of my friends loved it. To my boys Teddy and The Buatch, this is like the Super Bowl of nights out. Teddy has gone as the Unibomber, Saddam Hussein, Magnum PI, and the campus freak "Dillon's guy" in college. Then there's me and Sean, who in college dressed in our normal clothes on Halloween and when asked what we were, we said "cool frat guys." I'm sure the majority of my readers do not agree with my sentiments, but as a wiseman once said "opinions are like a-holes, everyone's got one."

All of that being said, I love Halloween for little kids. I have great Halloween memories with my father taken us into Shaker on Lymon Circle where they had the best decorations and the scarriest houses. I used to hate that we had to have our parents go through the candy before we ate it. The classic old wives tale was that people put tacks in the candy to mess with kids. Was there anything worse than the house who gave you a Unicef donation and not candy? Seeing pictures of Jace in his Thomas the Train costume last year was so cute. He is going as a Train Conductor this year. I asked him Saturday what he says on Halloween and he responded "Trick or Treat, Candy please!" Great stuff.

Props go out to the great Julie D for hooking me up with that great Timbuk 2 bag. Check out her stuff at www.timbuk2.com I love my Commute.

Song of the Day: "Soul Dream" by Greyboy Allstars. Known in these circles as "Song 1."

Day 23

I have described in recent blog entries of how sometimes it is very difficult for me when I come back to Cleveland on an emotional level. This recent less than 48 hour trip was a completely different story. It was 100% worth 5 airports in 4 days just to be here. Sometimes I take for granted just how amazing my family is and how lucky I am to be a member of it. I spent yesterday afternoon riding he rapid train down to Tower City with my nephew Jace who absolutely loves trains. Watching the pure joy on his face just from something so simple like riding a train warmed my heart. On top of that, watching my mother's spirit lifted by spending this time with her grandson was priceless. They share such an amazing bond. Holding my niece Reese yesterday and this morning is yet another wonderful experience. She is so adorable and such a good baby - and I'm not just saying that because she is my niece, I fully admit I am totally biased, its the truth. My brother is a lucky man to have such beautiful kids.

Most importantly, this weekend was to celebrate the bar mitzvah of my cousin Debbie's son Mitch. Though I missed the service because I was flying in (and to be honest, I don't think I can ever set foot in the sanctuary where my father's funeral was held ever again), I was told by everyone how amazing he was. The aspect of this weekend that made it so special was the time I was able to share with my cousins. To me, it was so much fun, yet so sad. It was so much fun on so many levels - conversations with everyone, shots with Kathy and Steve, drinks with MD, Susie and Jules, watching Debbie "work the room," etc. There were so many classic moments - Steve holding MD over his head and ripping his shirt and MD responding "why does it always have to be physical with you." Watching Aunt Leslie dance with all of the 13 year olds. Steve taking off his shirt to shoot hoops. Finding Susie in the game room reeling in fish as everyone was about to leave. Probably the best part of the evening was at the end, when the bar had cleared out and it was just the cousins. The DJ played so old school tunes and we tore up the dance floor. To quote Steve: "When the cards are on the table, Susie always steps up." Watching Steve J dancing with his daughter Emma on the last sing of the night was to cute for words. I played Air Hockey with Emma, shot some hoops with Brian and Mitch. I laughed, smiled, and drank the night away.

Then comes the sad part. This group is almost never in the same room together anymore. Growing up, we all spent so much time together, and now that we are old enough to appreciate it, we are all apart. Steve in Boulder, Kathy and Jules in SF, Susie and Bill, Steve and Debbie in Cleveland, MD in Detroit, and Leah and I in Chicago. So when we have nights like last night, they always stick with me. I know that I was annoying with the photos last night, but to quote the greatest camera guy I have ever known "you'll hate it tonight, but you will love me for it in 10 years." In my drunken stupor, I left my camera in MD's car and won't get it back until Tuesday when he UPS's it back to me. I just want to state for the record how much I love and miss my cousins. Even though we are so spread out, I will never take for granted what we have.

Song of the Day: "Here Comes the Sun" by The Beatles. Seems appropo this morning.

Day 22

California.....Here I come. Live from the beautiful city of Ontario, CA, 40 miles East of Los Angeles. I am out here for a sales meeting for my client's west coast operation. I was lucky enough to fly through Denver and have about a 2 hour layover and was fortunate to get to spend an hour or so with the great Cousin Steve himself, flying east to Ctown with a stopover in Chicago. We don't spend nearly enough time together, but that hour seemed too quick. Steve is ever the talker. My man can't stay on one subject for more than 5 seconds. Luckily I'll be headed for ctown this weekend as well and we will have plenty of time to chill.

Back to California. I am here for a day and a half and typical of my luck, it is 55 degrees and cloudy. The good news is that there is an In & Out Burger and Chik-Fil-A right across the street from my hotel. But I digress. California is such a unique and magnificent state. San Diego has the best climate in America, its always 75-80 and sunny with little humidity. I love the surfer/beach vibe of the people there. Its so laid back and chill. Go 2 hours North up the 5 and you run into L.A. Talk about a crazy place. I have spent quite a bit of time in the greater Los Angeles area. My boy Fritzer lived there for 4 years right after college. I visited him a couple of times and had an absolute blast. I was 22-24 years old and at the height of my going out the sceny places at that time. But what they say about LA is true, it is very status driven. If you aren't "in the business," or have the money, you are pretty much a nobody there. We were just in Beverly Hills for a wedding a few weeks ago. Leah and I walked the streets and couldn't believe how image conscious everyone is in that city. Its amazing. The Hollywood lifestyle is almost like living in another country. Compare that to living on a farm in Kansas and its hard to imagine its the same country.

Drive even farther north up the pacific coast highway and you run into my favorite city, San Francisco. Talk about a totally different vibe than LA. Its so diverse, the people to me are so real, the architecture is so unique and amazing, and the views are breathtaking. The weather is strange as well. It could be 75 and sunny during the day, and winter coat weather at night during the summer. Reminds me of a story my dad once told me. He was in SF for work in the early 80's, and as always, decided to go to a baseball game. Walking in the Candlestick Park, the usher said to my dad "you must be from out of town" and my dad said surprisingly "actually I am, how did you know?" The usher said "the short sleeves." He said he was so freezing he had to go buy a sweatshirt from the souvenir stand. I just love San Francisco. It doesn't hurt that my boy Mez lives there, as do two of my favorite cousins......

Song of the Day: "Something" by The Beatles. Frank Sinatra once called this "the greatest love song ever written."

Day 21

21 is THE number. 21 represents so much to me. 21 was dad's number. He wore it at Atlanta Braves fantasy camp, where my mom sent him on his 45th b-day. 21 is the number I wore in high school soccer. The basketball team didn't have a #21 available, so I wore #3, because 2+1 = 3. One of my favorite athletes of all time, Deion Sanders, wore #21. When I go the Vegas or any casino for that matter, the first thing I do is put a sawbuck on red 21 in roulette. Then I always play the same number: 3 (2+1), 7 (3x7 = 21)12 (21 backwards), 21, and 31 (in honor of the great Ryan Sturch). I just love the number. It holds a very big significance to me. I always has, but moreso now than before, for obvious reasons. The only downside of 21? Mike Hargrove wore it when he was the manager of the Tribe. My man Grover was one of the worst game managers in recent baseball history. Dad, MD, and I hated him. A classic dad story: Grover was mr. righty/lefty, meaning he always went to the bullpen to bring in a setup man to matchup with either a right handed hitter, or a lefthanded hitter, which used to drive dad crazy. One day game, Grover was sporting a fresh haircut where his ears were sticking out. It looked like he had been scalped. The Tribe pitching was bad and Hargrove made like 4 pitching changes, none of which worked. We were sitting in our normal seats 5th row behind the Tribe dugout. Dad, with his usual humor, yelled to Hargrove as he approached the dugout: "Grover, it must be the haircut." Hargrove looked right up at him, shrugged his shoulders and said "it must be."

Song of the Day: "Crazy Baldheads" by Bob Marley

Day 20

20th entry today. Come on, admit that when I started this, you didn't think I would keep up for this long. I am the king of ideas that start off with a bang and fizzle out rather quickly. I keep two journals, a personal one filled with memories of my father, and this blog which I try to keep up with daily, or at least 5-6 days a week depending on my schedule. People who know me know am I rarely at a loss for words, and that is part of the reason I really enjoy writing this blog. I want to again thank all of the people who read this and have given me comments and feedback.

Watching the first two games of World Series and writing this with game 3 on in the background brings me back to 1995. 95 was not my best year. Actually, until this past year, it was the worst year of my life. I was a lost 19 year old kid. A college dropout who was at back home after my freshman year waiting tables and going to school. I will save that long story for another day. As miserable as that year was, the fall of 95 gave me some of my best memories with my father and brother. MD was living at home as well and working at the all sports station in Cleveland. The Tribe capped a dominating season by making it to their first World Series since 1954. When we beat Seattle in game 6 of the ALCS, MD, Dad, Mom, and I all watched the clincher together. We hugged and cried when we won. I don't think I ever remember Dad being filled with that much joy and emotion in my 19 years. The best part about it was we were all together. We were brought together by fate at that time. Me - leaving school and moving back home, MD - getting a job in sportscasting in his hometown after graduating from college, Mom & Dad - just happy parents with their two boys living back at home. Though the Tribe lost in the World Series, the four of us went to the games together. An experience that will live with me forever. The picture was taken by our good friend Jeremy who was sitting in a box above us.

Song of the Day: "A Roller Skating Jam Named Saturdays" by De La Soul

Day 19

Monday in late October in the Midwest. Its 40, its raining, its windy, and there is no reason to be outside. Of course, that didn't stop me from being stuck out there three times today with Casey the dog. I love her, but nothing is worse than having to go out in a driving rain storm and drag her around the block. Times like these are when I wish Leah and I were living in a big house in Solon, with a big back yard and a doggy door. While I am writing this blog entry, I am throwing a racquet ball down the long hallway, playin a little game of fetch with the doggers. She rules.

Long week ahead. Ive been working most of the day on my powerpoint presentation for my sales meeting in LA on Friday. I've got a 6am out Thursday, sales meeting and client dinner Thursday, sales meeting Friday, then flying all the way back to Chicago, getting back at 10pm. Saturday morning I get up and fly to ctown for Cousin's son's bar mitzvah. I must admit, I am very much looking forward to this weekend. Saturday night's party is going to be a mini-reunion of sorts. The cousin's rarely get to see each other, especially in a party situation. We are planning on tearing it up and re-creating cousin Julie's 21st b-day a few years back. That was an epic evening, one of the most fun and memorable nights of my life. Most importantly, we will be welcoming back an old friend, the old MD will be making his triumphant return.

Song of The Day: Girls, Girls, Girls by Jay-Z

Day 18

Chicago is such a great city. Just an amazing place to live. Of the many great aspects of living here, one thing in particular is not lost on me. There are so many Clevelanders here. Since I moved here in 1999, I have gotten together with a group of Clevelanders to watch Browns games. Its like a slice of home. That fact doesn't take away from the reality of what we are watching - bad football week in and week out, year in and year out. When the NFL allowed that carpet-bagging sad excuse for a businessman Art Modell move the team to Baltimore, my passion for this team went with them. I have tried so hard to get into it. I rarely miss games, I read every article, I follow them closely. But watching bad, boring 13-10 losses every week is an old bit. I miss the days of Kevin Mack, Frank Minnefield, and "The Lord" Bernie Kosar. William Green, Daylon McCuteheon, and Trent Dilfer? Come on.

MD has been saying this for years, and I am really starting to agree. There is a lot of bad football being played out there today and it is all being disguised because of gambling and fantasy football. I am a big fantasy football guy. Take away my interest in my team, and I am stuck with bad Browns football. Currently while writing this blog, I have the Bears/Ravens game on in the background. Who finds this riveting? I am feeling a little late Sunday afternoon, Bobby D style-falling asleep on the couch routine coming on. I know what will help me fall asleep. The answer? This game.

Quick Food Fact: last night, Leah and I went to Settimana Cafe with Dave & Sara. By far, my favorite Italian dish in this city is there. The Penne Salsiccia. Penne pasta tossed with Italian sausage, green peas, fontina cheese, and fresh herbs sauteed in a light tomato cream sauce. Clearly I go sans the peas. This dish is the whup.

Quick Movie Fact: I watched Sideways on Friday night for the first time. It was amazing. I absolutely loved it. If you haven't seen it, its on HBO every day. Set that Tivo. It was so well-acted. Plus, it stars my guy Paul Giamatti. Thomas Hayden Church was sensational.

Song Of the Day: "Electric Relaxation" by A Tribe Called Quest.

Day 17

This city is about to see its first World Series game since 1959 and I'm glad to see people have finally gotten into it. I'm sure where I live has a lot to do with it - The North Side - but I just hadn't felt the buzz in this city like when the Cubs were in the playoffs in 2003. At my client today, Edward Don & Company, I saw a ton of sox t-shirts and jerseys on their employees. The news leads off with Sox stories every night. I even had to sit through a story about how many Sox players' wives had given birth during the season (gag).

I feel for Cubs fans in this town. Nobody is a bigger bitterman than me when it comes to other teams winning titles before mine do. But there are two kinds of Cubs fans out there right now. The ones who are now "Bi-Soxual" and have taken to rooting for the Sox, and the ones who I think are "real" Cubs fans who could never root for the hated White Sox. Take my friend Brett. This man is as die hard of a Cubs fans as there is. A season ticket holder for years. I spoke to him the other day and asked him how he was handling all of this. He said, as only Brett could, "TD, this is making me absolutely sick, if the Sox win the World Series, I am going to be forced to move." You know I respect that. Only a person who loves his team that much could be that bitter. That is exactly how I would feel if I were him. I cannot root for the Sox, one of the Tribe's main divisional rivals along with Minnesota. Any team with AJ Pierzynski - my least favorite athlete - on their team, I just cannot back.

Now take my friend Ags. Ags is one of a handful of people who love the Tribe as much as I do. Yet somehow, he likes the White Sox and is rooting for them. All playoffs long, he has been saying that "this is so great for the city" and "its a great baseball story" because they haven't won a World Series since 1917. When I question his rationale, he tells me that I sound like "a jilted lover" and I am "so full of Cleveland bitterness." All of which is true. But Clevelanders are born with sports bitterness in our blood. This can not be understood by Cubs or White Sox fans, even though their World Series droughts are both 30 plus years longer than the Indians (1948). This city basked in the glory of the 1985 Bears and were lucky enough to witness perhaps the greatest athlete of alltime win 6 championships in basketball. They know the feeling of hoisting that championship trophy. I am still waiting for #1. That is all I want, just one title. My Chicago born college friends all blame me and "The Cleveland Curse" for KU basketball's postseason failures. But as a wiseman once told me, "it is what it is." If the White Sox win, I won't pout, I'll be happy for their fans and for the team - everyone except that arrogant prick AJ Pierzynski.

Day 16

Another week, another hurricane warning. I just don't understand what is going on here. When we were growing up, I barely remember any sort of hurricane ever hitting land. The only one I can recall was Hurricane Hugo, and the only reason I remember that is because it destroyed the Tribe's spring training stadium in Winter Haven, Florida. So they say Hurricane Wilma is going to hit Florida at around Sunday. Why do I care enough to write about this? First off, Hurricane Katrina has destroyed a large part of the Gulf Coast, but it has also put hit on the industry I work in. Price increases on plastics are abound and have caused a ton of unrest with my customers and their end users. But there is a larger factors at play.

The world we live in - the year 2005 - things are taking a strange turn for the worse. Hurricane Katrina destroyed everything in its path, a huge earthquake kills thousands and wrecks Pakistan, the Tsunami in southeast Asia. Throw in man made tragedies including terrorists setting off bombs in the London Underground and this ridiculous war we continue to fight in Iraq and lose our soldiers. This all essentially has gone on in the last year. Maybe it is the excessive amounts of media coverage we have at our disposal that have me more wary, or that I am getting older and paying more attention to the world around me and not just what the Tribe is doing. There is a disturbing trend of natural disasters that must be looked at through a microscope. Is this the product of global warming or is it just coincidence? All I know is that the great "plan that God has for us all" really seems to be nothing more than one tragedy after another. Take into account that its still been less than a year since I lost my father, my mother's cancer, and all of my other family issues. You can obviously understand why I am extremely jaded.

I know that a lot of times I sound like a whiner, a pessimist, a glass half-empty guy. Well, I am. But I also know how lucky I am to have a great family, an amazing wife, great friends, a good job, and incredible memories to look back on and smile. I'm just still waiting for my lucky break, my good news, my lottery ticket to cash in this strange journey we call life. I try to stay positive and know that good things are around the corner and things in my next year cannot get any worse than they last year, so that is a start.

Song of The Day: "They Reminisce Over You" by Pete Rock & CL Smooth. One of the best background samples in old school hip house. A haunting sax solo.

Day 15

So I could not wait for last night. After years of wanting to see him live, I was finally going to see Paul McCartney in concert. Did it live up to all of the hype? Well, mostly it did. A few thoughts:

I was curious to see what kind of crowd there would be at the United Center. Tickets sold out in literally 10 minutes for both shows at a venue which hold 20,000 people. I went with my good friend and music lover Mark P, who is a veteran concert-goer. You have never seen a more white-bread audience. We kept a count on how many black people we actually saw in the crowd. Including the great Ronnie Woo Woo - in his full Cubs Uniform - there was 6. Walking through the concourse, I saw mainly people in the age range of 45-65. A few people were in our range, but for the most part, it looked like a lot of people who were lucky enough to follow the Beatles in their prime. In our section, everyone around us was older than we were.

I read a review in today's Tribune that said "Fans who had paid as much as $250 plus service fees were clearly happy just to be in the same room with a legend." I'd say I totally agree with that. The first half of the 2 hour 40 minute show was kind of slow. P said to me he couldn't believe how quiet the crowd was. We were standing the whole time and almost everyone around us was sitting. Very strange. Not until he kicked in a run of Beatles and Wings songs about midway through the show, did the crowd rally get into it. The run included an acoustic only set which was pretty amazing. In a row, he knocked out Blackbird, Eleanor Rigby, Too Many People, She Came in through the Bathroom Window, Good Day Sunshine, and the best song of the night - Band on the Run. Of course, he did his obligatory cheesed-up rendition of Hey Jude where he had the whole crowd do the "na na na na" part. That was kind of lame. He did 6 encore songs and finished with Sergeant Pepper's medley'd into The End. I thought he was great.

Overall I think it was a great experience for me. I can tell my kids that I saw a Beatle in concert. Paul McCartney is quite a live performer. The sound quality at the United Center was great. Paul sounds great live, especially for a 63 year old guy and he has an amazing band playing with him. It was well worth the price of admission and I thank Leah for coming through with such quality seats.

Song of the Day: "Wonderwall" by Oasis. They say Oasis is a Beatles inspired a Beatles-sounding band. I dig their sound. "There are many things that I, would like to say to you, but I don't know how. Cause maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me."

Day 14

Ramblings from my keyboard........... I just heard Lakers head coach Phil Jackson talking about the new NBA dress code. He said that its good for the NBA to "get away from the prison garb and thuggery aspect that has come along with the hip hop music of the last 7 or 8 years." Yikes. That reeks of racism to me. The post game clothing of its players is the least of that league's problems. Phil is right in one sense - the NBA has been catering to the hip hop nation, yet they price their tickets for corporate America. Why anyone would want to spend $85-$100 a ticket for a good seat to a boring, dull ass NBA regular season game to watch a bunch overpaid whiners? This tells you all you need to know - Nuggets C Marcus Camby when asked about the dress code said that players should get a stipend to buy nice clothes if this dress code is put into effect. Camby makes $9 million a year..........

Is there anyone more annoying in popular culture than Oprah Winfrey? Ok, I know all women love her, and she does a ton of nice things for people. But is there a bigger phony? Leah has a Tivo season pass of her show, so I watch it with her from time to time. First off, she acts totally different with white celebs than she does with black celebs. She tries so hard to "keep it real" with black guests. Its beyond annoying. She also acts like - to quote uncle Kenny - she shits fudge. She had the cast of the movie Crash on - which by the way got way too much hype - and one of the people on was the rapper Ludacris. She said said to him at one point "you know, I have major problems with your lyrics, but you still did a good job in the movie." GET OVER YOURSELF! What about how she introduces people? I wish I could put it in writing. Like listening to a Journey song - it makes my skin crawl..........

Going to see my man Paul McCartney tonight at the United Center. I will definitely give a full report in tomorrow's blog..........

Anyone who is not a baseball fan, should have watched last night's Astros's/Cardinals game. The crowd was electric. There was amazing drama, capped off by the Astros being one strike away from the world series and getting completely deflated by Albert Pujols's monster game winning home run. You've never heard 40,000 people get so quiet so fast. Again, the one person I wanted to pick up the phone and call was my father. He would have loved it.........

Ashlee Simpson is a no-talent creation who if it weren't for her father, would have no career. She is all over MTV and I have no idea why. She isn't the least bit attractive (even though her sister is top 5) , can't sing to save her life, and offers nothing in the personality department.........

Song of the Day: In honor of tonight's show, the song today is "Just Another Day" by Paul McCartney.

Day 13

30. Seems like a nice enough number. So many of my friends are now turning the big 3-0. I'm getting closer and closer. Leah is less than 3 months away from the big day. Its so funny to think about what the number means to me now and what I thought it meant when I was 19 turning 20. I remember being 19, 20, 21 - thinking turning 30 was the end of my life. 30 is ancient to 19 year olds. I keep thinking that I could pass for a college student. I pride myself of the fact that when I need to I "skew younger." When my friends and I went back to Lawrence in February, we kept asking girls how old do they think we are (because college guys always ask girls that question at bars, right?). They would all say "26, 27." I guess I don't pass for a college kid.

When you are in your mid to late 20's, you begin to realize that between the ages of about 25-36, we are all the same- people in the real world rat race, trying to make our money and keep ourselves happy, with friends all over the board. I have two cousins below the age range and a buddy who is well over the age range who fall into our category of the people who can hang with anyone - so it is a sliding scale. I look at Ags as a prime example. He is one of my best friends. He is single, in his mid-30's, still loves going out, watching sports, and loves his family. I can bring Ags out with my friends in their mid-20's and he fits in perfectly, or I can go hang with Ags's crew in their mid-30's and fit in perfectly.

Turning 30 makes me feel old in one sense, but still young in another. My father was 33 and my mother was 29 when they had me. Of the Grandchildren on my dad's side, there are only three of 10 left in their 20's, Kath, Jules, and I - and I am not in that group much longer. That makes me feel young. On the other hand, next weekend I am attending my cousin's son's, bar mitzvah. That makes me feel old. A few months ago, I went to a bar in Lincoln park with my boys Johnson and Arnie, both who are at least 4 years younger than me. I knew within 5 minutes of being there that I was probably the oldest guy there. I used to go out in this area all of the time, and I left that night saying I wouldn't be making a return appearance. Never thought I would ever feel old at spots like that one. The point is that age is all how you view it. If you want to make yourself feel old, that is up to the beholder. I choose to try and be like my father - a mature, responsible, 30 year old, while at the same time being a young, energetic 30 year old who is looked at as a fun guy by people of all ages.

Song of the Day: "On My Block" by Scarface. I really don't like any hip hop track that came out post 1996-97, but this one has an old school feel to it. No lyric with quoting, just a great, easy background track.

Day 12

Weddings are always such occasions that are full of love and promise. This past weekend, I attended an old family friends wedding. During the ceremony, again the bitterness of loss hit me when the cantor who was performing the wedding was speaking of "God blessing this union" and "God bringing these two people together." I don't need to go into this again. Anyways, their was a lot of love in the room at the reception. Way too many long speeches for my taste, but it is what it is. The food was so slow in coming out as well - so slow that after a speech, I had to go back to my mom's house to let Casey out. By the time I drove there, took her out, and drove back, the salad's hadn't even been served and everyone had been sitting at the table the entire time. When people were up dancing and I looked out on the dance floor, I noticed that my mom wasn't in the room. I understood why. My mom and dad were such amazing dancers. They had an incredible swing dance routine that was second to none. Its just so hard going to these weddings for my mom, it just breaks my heart. I wish there was something I could do or some way I could deflect the pain for her to me. Leah was very emotional last night as well. I walked my mom out to her car right after dinner and we stayed about an hour longer. I never knew that I could be so down at a wedding, but as they say, it is what it is. On a lighter note, the highlight of the evening for me was watching my Aunt Linda and Uncle Kenny dance up a storm. They worked all of their "new moves" in with their old moves. Not since watching my parents do their swing routine at our wedding, did I enjoy watching people dance so much. To all of those who understand, "The White Bill Cosby" was in full effect last night.

I also wanted to give special mention to my good friend Dave, who had his father's stone setting today. I know today had to be unbelievably tough for him and I wish I could have been there with him. Although I didn't know his father very well, I know how special he was to their entire family and how hard the struggle was for them. Dave and I share a bond that not many people can relate to. He is an amazing friend to me when we have serious conversations about our fathers, or just when we are getting "all banged up."

Song of the Day: "Aint No Half Steppin" by Big Daddy Kane. An unbelievably smoothed out track from 1988. "Another Victory, they cant get with me, so pick a b.c. date, 'cause your history."

Day 11

Returning to C-Town for weekends has obviously been forever changed with the passing of my father. I always look forward to coming home, but these visits are so bittersweet. While I love seeing my mom, visiting with my grandparents, aunts and uncles, a huge void remains inside of me here. I haven't lived here in 10 years, and things have definitely changed. The house I grew up in largely stays the same, which I love. I was lucky enough to grow up in one house that my mother still lives in. This house is so full of amazing memories. Basketball games with my brother in the basement, baseball games in the backyard, hoops and "grounders" in the driveway. Those memories never fade. Although, something still doesn't sit right with me when I walk into my old room which used to be covered in sports posters, pictures, and Sports Illustrated covers, and now its a blue guest room. At least my room is blue, MD's old room is pink - what happened to the Webster "Web-star" Slaughter poster and the shag carpeting?

But now, as I enter the house through the garage as I always do, opening the door and not seeing my father sitting in his robe and slippers, in his chair, remote in hand, sadness runs through me. I get over it very quickly, but I just feel like he is going to be there when I walk in. On visits, he always cleared his schedule for us. We always did a lunch at Sokolowski's or Champps, went down to the Jake for a game, went down to the Indians team store for a new Tribe t-shirt or something. He was always up to do whatever we wanted. As sad as it is, I know how lucky I am. I got 28 plus years on unbelievable memories and a relationship that most kids can never dream of having with a parent. But being in this house, as I sit typing this blog at his desk. is a constant reminder that he is no longer here.

That being said, we are having a nice visit with my mother here so far. It was great to break the fast at my cousin Debbie's last night. Its always a pleasure holding court with my cousins, aunts and uncles. I had the good material working last night as well.......... Is there anything better than good chopped liver? My stomach sure didn't seem to think so this morning at 6am. Between the 8 peanut butter cup cookies and the pound of chopped liver I consumed after fasting all day yesterday, its no wonder I was where I was this morning.......Casey absolutely loves the suburbs. She has been running all around my mother's house with all of this space to roam. She loves all the grass, running around the yard, going for long walks with us off leash. Its like when she comes to Cleveland she has died and gone to dog heaven. She is a city dog at heart, but I know she, like Leah, is ready for the suburbs.

Song Of The Day: "For No One" by The Beatles. Sort and sweet. "and in her eyes you see nothing. No sing of love behind the tears. Cried for no one, a love that should have lasted years."

Day 10

Today's blog is a special one. 39 years ago today, one of the most interesting and unique people was brought into this world. The man, the myth, the legend, Cousin Steve. Long before there was "The Dude," Jeffrey Lebowski - made famous by Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski - he was "The Dude." His nickname in high school. Growing up, he was my idol. I had 1 male cousin and 9 female cousins, so it was easy to follow him. He is 10 years older than I am. He played middle linebacker for Beachwood High School in the 80's and my brother and I went to everyone of his games. I knew all of his friends and to me, a 7 or 8 year old, they were like NFL players. The infamous run-in we had at Matt's 8th b-day party was stuff of legends. In a backyard family softball game, I was at first base and Aunt Nancy was at the plate. She ripped a shot towards right center and Steve went for it. The next thing you know - Crash. He crushed me. I don't remember it happening, as I was only 5, but the entire thing was captured on videotape by my dad. It must be the most re-run tape in family history. I came up in tears, my head looked like it had been busted open. In a classic post-incident interview, Steve said "he came at me....I'll sue 'em!"

After High School, he went out to CU Boulder, and for the most part, never came back. Even though we haven't lived in the same city since I was 9, we have always remained close. My freshman year at KU, Steve came to visit for my birthday and stayed for 5 days. They were honestly 5 of the most memorable days of my college experience. When went on our own journey together that weekend - me and the dude. Even though he was 28 and I was 19, he fit right in with my friends and everyone loved him. 2 years later he would return to Lawrence, unannounced. One night, there was a knock on my door at 2am on a Friday night, I looked in the peephole, and there he was. When I opened the door he said "a word to the wise, don't ever give me your address, because I will find you." Another classic moment happened at Jacobs Field in 1994. My dad, Steve, my buddy Dise, and I all went to the Tribe/Rangers game. Jim Thome hit a foul ball a mile high, it kept coming and coming and coming. Steve didn't move even though it was heading right for him. Dise, in seat 4, gave a full stretch and made an unbelievable catch falling over into my arms and catching the ball right where Steve's head was. To this day Steve said Dise saved his life. The funny part of the story is that when a p.r. person came to ask Dise to enter into a contest and list his name and address, Steve shewed the guy away and told Dise not to do it. He didn't want Dise to "sign his life away to the Alluminatas, the underground society who secretly runs the government." Classic. There is nothing better than getting a message on my cell phone at 2am with a quote from "Back to School." But that's my guy, the Dude.

Steve has been through a lot in his 38 years. And no matter what it may be, he always kept a positive spin on it. He has battled sicknesses, knee problems, breakups, and family loss. Throughout it all - he has always remained who he is. He hasn't changed. Since the death of my father and my mom's illness, so many people have talked to me about life and loss. But few have meant as much to me as Steve. His outlook and perspective are so unique. We have had many deep conversations that have meant so much to me, words can't describe it. I know he already knows this, but I appreciate our friendship immensely. Even though we are cousins, truly, he is my brother. So lets all give it up to the man himself on his 39th b-day. Steve - I love you bro.

Song Of The Day: In honor of The Dude's favorite band, the song today is "Ramble On Rose" by The Grateful Dead. My favorite dead song. "Sittin plush with a royal flush, Aces back to back."

Day 9

At sundown tonight, Yom Kippur, the Jewish"Day of Atonement" begins. It is a day set aside to "afflict the soul," to atone for the sins of the past year. Those who know me, know that my belief system has been quite shaken over the last year. However, this is the one Jewish holiday in which I somewhat do my part. I have fasted the last 6 years and I will fast again at sundown tonight. Why? To be quite honest, I don't know. I just feel for some reason that it is the right thing to do. I don't go to temple, I don't "speak to God" to repent for my sins. I know what I have done over the past year - some things I feel bad about, and others I don't. I don't need to attend Temple tonight to "repent."

Growing up when we went to high holy days services, my dad would always follow along in the prayer book, do all of the readings, prayers, etc. In the last 4-5 years of his life, his views on God had changed. The more bad things that would happen, 9/11, natural disasters, etc, the farther he would stray. He stopped believing. He would go to high holy days services just for my mom, but he would sit there, not following along in his prayer book, just staring. He would say to me, "its all a bunch of outdated crap. It just makes people feel better, but not me." He made a lot of sense to me. A week after my father died, I was still in Cleveland and my mom thought is was the right thing to do to go to temple on the first Friday after his death to hear his name read - his Yartzeit. The whole service to me was crap. I was sitting there listening to all of these prayers saying how we should "praise God" and how "God has a plan that we have to abide by." I looked at my mom and she had the same feeling - How are we supposed to be sitting here praising someone who just took away my father and her husband? A man who was revered and loved by so many. An unbelievable husband and father. A man who loved life more than anyone we had ever been around.

I know, nobody said life isn't fair - but I believe what I believe. What is so great about this country is that we are free to have our own belief systems and have the freedom to express them. I would never push my religious agenda on anyone, and I wouldn't want anyone pushing their agendas on me, but I just cannot understand people who are so God-fearing that they have a reason for everything. What was God's plan on 9/11? What was the plan by displacing thousands of people in the Gulf Coast after Hurricane Katrina, causing deaths, poverty, and anguish? What about the latest Earthquake in Pakistan, killing at least 18,000 and injuring 41,000 more? What kind of reasoning do the hardcore religious right have for these horrific events? Ok - I am officially off my soapbox.

That all being said - I am off to ctown tomorrow morning to spend some q.t. with my family and I am very much looking forward to it, even though the Browns play a road game on Sunday. Tomorrow's blog will be dedicated to one of my favorite people in this world........

Song of the day: "Old School" by 2Pac, a thank you letter to the creators of Hip Hop. Great beat, great lyrics. "What more can I say, I wouldn't be here today, if the old school didn't pave the way."

Day 8

I'm not the most politically motivated guy in the world, but from time to time things get to me. This last presidential election was dubbed as "the most important election of our lifetime" for people of my generation. I did more article reading and news program watching in a 6 month period than I had in the previous 6 years combined. I saw and heard such a divide in this country, even amongst my friends. I look back on that time - Bush winning the election - and feel as though I could see this coming. Now I am not a "Bush won so the world is coming to an end" person. Once the election was over, it was my duty as an American to support our president. But the smugness of W just bothers me. He is so folksy, so arrogant, and to me, so dumb. Say what you want, I still believe we are in way too deep in Iraq and are wasting lives and taxpayer dollars fighting to save what seems to be an unsaveable situation. Its ok though, W cut his 1 month vacation a few days short because of Hurricane Katrina.

I read an article today that really piqued my interest. When the new supreme court justice nominees were being bandied about, I was mainly concerned about one issue; whether or not the balance of power would be shifted to the far right for abortion rights. I am still concerned about this, but after reading the article on the qualifications of nominee Harriet Miers, my main concern is W himself. Its just more proof that he is only about one thing - taking care of his people first, and the nation second. I'm not naive, every president brings in his friends and trusted confidants in key positions. But look at the record. I think his buddy Mike Brown, the director of FEMA who just resigned under fire, wasn't qualified to run a local Red Cross organization, let alone FEMA. But W had been quoted as saying "Brownie's done a great job" after Katrina hit. Karl Rove, another one of his chums, is now a household name for his leaking of a CIA agent's identity to the press. Experts all say if he wasn't such a tight friend of W, he would have been forced out a long time ago. In the article by Geoffrey Stone I have linked below, Miers's credentials for being a supreme court justice are brought to light. She was another friend of W who rode his coattails to a job in the cabinet as white house legal council. The article states: "She received her law degree in 1970 from Southern Methodist University, which is not even among the top 50 law schools in the nation. She then spent 30 years as a commercial litigator with a law firm in Dallas. Her most notable achievement before Bush retained her as his private lawyer in 1993 was a brief stint as president of the Texas State Bar. After she made her connection with then-Gov. Bush, he appointed her head of the Texas Lottery Commission. The president then brought her with him to Washington, and last year appointed her White House counsel. From there to the United States Supreme Court? Even nominees who have not been confirmed--Robert Bork, Douglas Ginsburg, Clement Haynesworth Jr., (even) G. Harrold Carswell--were far more qualified than Miers."
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/chi-0510040013oct04,1,7478959.story

Now again, I'm no expert, but to me, this is classic Bush. He only knows one way since he was brought up - take care of your friends and they will take care of you. We all know the stories of how W bankrupted one company after another and had his companies saved by his dad's rich friends. He knows no other way than to take of his people. He is loyal almost to a fault.
This is the same guy who has heard to have said God told him to invade Afghanistan and Iraq. The good news is that he can't run for a third term.

Song of the day: "Keep it Simple Stupid" by Diamond D, one of the greatest unknown producers and lyricists from the early 90's. "I'm a fun-goin guy with the knotty dreadlocks. I once lost a bill bettin on the Red Sox."

Day 7

Random Thought Day...... Mondays sure can be depressing, can't they? Luckily this is a short work week, as Leah and I are headed for C-Town on Thursday morning to both break the fast and for a wedding. Its strange how Mondays always have a different feel to them, as do Fridays and Sundays. So much anticipation to get to the weekend on Fridays, so much anguish on Sunday night's about having to wake up for work the next morning, and Mondays always seem like such a long week is ahead of me. The last few weeks have seem to last longer than normal. I don't know why, just the truth.....Yesterday I went to Buffalo Wild Wings (B-Dubs) for lunch and to watch the first half of the Browns game with my friends Dave and Sara. Dave and I love us some ding dings. First off, their wings are the whup - especially the Spicy Garlic. Sports bars have come a long way since the old days of Flo and Eddie's on Chagrin. My dad and I always used to talk back in the pre-sports bars days how we always wanted to own a sports bar with a ton of big screen tv's, satellite dishes, good greasy food, and every game on. Because as anyone who knew my dad, knows that there was nothing that made him happier than eating greasy food while watching sports. Now a days, sports bars are a dime a dozen. For some reason in this city though, nobody seems to be able to get it right........After months of trying unsuccessfully, I have finally gotten myself a pair of Paul McCartney tickets for next Tuesday night at the United Center. I have never seen him live and haven't been to a big concert in years. To me, you only have a few chances to see a living legend, a Beatle no less. This could be me only chance. The Beatles cross all age boundaries. I have loved them for years, and my father in law Max in his mid-50's also loves them as much as I do. I'll be very interested to see the range in age of the crowd. I heard Howard Stern say last week that by his youngest daughter's request, he saw McCartney at Madison Square Garden and it was amazing. He said it was so incredible to see it through his 14 year olds eyes because he has been such a huge fan since he was that age.........Say what you want about living on the west coast when it comes to the weather - I don't think I would get sick of a climate like San Diego where it is 78 and sunny everyday - but there is something to be said about the changing of the seasons and the colors this time of year in the Midwest. When the sun is out, like it is today, there is some kind of aura that you get when you are walking around outside in this neighborhood. That being said, I can hear Max all the way from Arizona saying "just wait a few more months, and then come back and talk to me about how you are enjoying the changing of the seasons. There is a reason you come here to visit every December." He and my mother in law Stacey moved out of Cleveland in 1975 and never looked back. They have been on the west coast on and off for the last 16 years. Orange County, CA (twice) and now finally settling in Scottsdale, AZ. The day of my father's funeral was a classic Cleveland November day. Cold, gray, and blowing snow. A few days later, Max told me at the cemetery the day of the funeral, was the coldest he can ever remember being in the last 20 years. I told him he was soft, but I loved him anyways......My friend Teddy got engaged this past weekend, that makes 7 weddings Leah and I have in 2006. Yikes........My fantasy football team is now 3-2 after my big blockbuster trade and two straight wins......Now I don't want this to sound like I am a diehard workout guy, but in the last two months, I have been using one of those elliptical machines for 30 minutes in my building's gym. Over the past 3 weeks or so, I switched to a regular treadmill. According to the treadmill, I am burning about half as many calories as I do on the treadmill. Then why is it that on the treadmill, I sweat a lot harder and I am way more tired? Makes zero sense to this guy...........

Song Of The Day: "Close One Yesterday" by Buju Banton. A spiritual, uplifting message in this reggae track. "Said I had a close one yesterday, Jah put an angel over me. Be strong, on a firm meditation, one day, things must get better."

Day 6

Nothing like a sunny fall Sunday afternoon on the shores of Lake Erie. I miss days like today. Growing up, Sunday Browns Football was my religion - not Judaism. My father and mother both grew up on Browns football, going to the games at Old Cleveland Stadium with their fathers. In a way, The Browns home games brought my parents together. My dad's father was a season ticket holder in 1946, he had 2 in section 37. Over the years, the family had grown and so did the popularity of the NFL. 2 tickets became 4, 4 became 8, 8 became 14. My mother's father had his two tickets in row 1 of section 37. My grandfathers new each other and my dad was checking my mom out at games. The rest as they say is history.

By the time I was in the picture, we had 14 tickets; my uncle had 4 on the aisle in row 3, my dad had 4 on the in row 4, and my other uncle had 4 in row 5, while my grandfather had 2 right across the way in row 4 of the next section. So we were all together. Our routine was the same every game. Uncle Kenny would pick everyone up at our house and pile into his Suburban. Dad was always the driver downtown. Usually 10 people in the car - a mix of parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. We would leave promptly at 11:30am for a 1:00pm kickoff. Everyone had their job. My mom was in charge of bringing the deli sandwiches from Davis Bakery - Uncle K always had the CB on Rye with Russian. Dad bought the programs from our same program guy - he always asked for a sandwich. Uncle Kenny bought the pregame hotdogs - A dog with ketchup was referred to as a "wimp dog." In close games, Dad, always the most unselfish guy, would go down to the car before the game ended. He would drive it up to the top of the hill in the parking lot adjascent to the stadium and have a cop sit it in to stay warm while he ran back into the stadium to watch the finish. When the game was over, we all sprinted to the car, our feet numb from the cold, and jumped into the Suburban. Dad would take over there - nobody was a better aggressive driver out of the madness of traffic after Browns games than him. To quote Uncle K, nobody could "Stay Tight" quite like Bobby D.

Since the Browns have returned, I still watch every game and read all the articles, but it isn't the same. I loved going to the games as a family at the old stadium. There was something about that decrepit old relic on the lake; the smells, the disgusting bathrooms, hiking up the hill from the parking lot, walking into the den of fans waiting to get through the turnstiles chanting "Here we go Brownies, here we go, Woof Woof." Now, like everything else in pro sports, its a bland new stadium with too much commercialism. I don't live in Cleveland anymore and everyone in my family goes down to the games separately. 14 seats together had become 8 and 6 on two separate sides of the stadium. Plus, without my dad around, going to the games will never be the same. I went in for the opener this year. I just felt like this was another obstacle my mom and I needed to overcome together. This was the first Browns home game I had ever been to without him. My mom hadn't been to a game without him for 37 years. When the national anthem was being played, I looked to the sky and held my mom's hand. A rush of emotion came over me and I began to sob. I had Uncle Kenny one one side, my mom on the other. They both hugged me and we all felt the same pain. It was one of those life moments that I will never forget.

Song of the day: "My Philosophy" By Boogie Down Productions. An all time classic old school hip hop track. "Who gets weaker, the king or the teacher? Its not about a salary, its all about reality."

Day 5

Another cold and gray day here in the 312/773...... Its strange, 2 years ago when the Cubs were in the NL Championship Series against the Marlins, this city was abuzz. Everyone was talking about the Cubs all over the city. Everyone was going out to watch the games and making plans around the games. I thought it was so good for the city, so I joined the bandwagon for a few weeks. Fast forward to yesterday - The White Sox just finished their sweep of the Red Sox to go to the ALCS. You'd think there would be some sort of buzz about it. There is none. Other than the small number of diehard Sox fans here in a city of 7 million people, nobody cares. We will see what happens next week when the next series begins.

A few tv and movie thoughts - Just got back from seeing the movie "A History of Violence" with Viggo Mortenson and Ed Harris. I love when I read 3-4 reviews saying how this movie is "Oscar worthy" and is "one of the best movies of the last 10 years." I even heard Robin Quivers say it was "one of the best movies I've ever seen." It was good, not great. I wouldn't tell anyone to rush out and see it. Wait until the DVD is released. While waiting for the movie to start, the song "werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon came on - one of may dad's alltime favorites. It made me smile.............. I don't get why Desperate Housewives get so much good publicity. For some reason, I have watched every episode (the reason is Leah) and each week, if find it weaker and weaker. I'm already sick of Eva Longoria, Teri Hatcher hit the wall after her Seinfeld appearance in 94, and Marcia Cross has always bothered me. The show that deserves on the credit is on right afterwards, Grey's Anatomy. Now that is a well written and well acted show, unlike the overrated desperate Housewives. This is Patrick Dempsey's best performance since he was the Ronnie Miller Express in Can't Buy Me Love..........As good as the last week's episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm was, the show has gone downhill every season. Larry has become a victim of his own success. Like anything else, the formula worked for a few years and predictably has gotten stale.............Laguna Beach is the whup............

Have there been two better inventions in the last 4 years or so than the Ipod and Tivo? I don't know how I lived without either before. Same thing goes for wireless internet access and the baseball package on my digital cable.....t-minus 7 days until Midnight Madness in Lawrence, Kansas.......

Song of the day: "She Said, She Said" by The Beatles. I don't know what it is, but this tune is too good. "She said.....I know what its like to be dead.....I know what it is to be sad."

Day 4

It's freezing here in Chicago today. Nothing like gray and 45 degrees to start your weekend. Its my first bitter reminder that winter is just around the corner. Nothing worse for dog owners like myself, than freezing weather and a dog who takes her sweet ass time to go to the bathroom, like the picture here. That was taken in February 2004, the day we picked up Casey at the breeder.

Growing up, anyone who knows me and my family knows that we were not (and for the most part still aren't) dog lovers. Leah grew up with dogs her whole life and throughout the first 9 years of our relationship, she told me we were going to get a dog. I continued to tell her "not a chance in hell" and I would laugh about it with my dad. Dad had a famous dog story. When he and his two brothers were young, they all wanted a dog. My grandparents wanted no part of that, so my Grandfather, the great patriarch Arthur D, had a plan. They would practice with a make-believe dog first. He said in his great Hungarian accent "you want a dog, fine, lets see how you handle it." So, as my father told me years ago, Grandpop woke up my dad and my uncles at 2 am and said "wake up, its time to walk your dog."He made them put on clothes and go outside. The next morning, he woke them up for school and said "what are you doing? You have to feed and walk your dog before you go anywhere." Then when they got home from school, he did the same thing. After a day and a half of that routine, my dad and uncles changed their tune.

Now onto me. Leah had her eyes on this specific breed, Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. She did research online and found a breeder in Iowa, www.puppystars.com. The whole time she was doing this research, I kept saying "sure, do whatever you want" thinking there was no way she would ever go through with it. She then emailed the picture of what would be our puppy and I had to admit, I thought she was adorable. So I caved. Off we went on Valentine's day 2004 to Centerville, Iowa, on the Iowa/Missouri border. We drove 6 hours and spent the night in lovely Ottumwa, Iowa, before waking up and driving the final hour to the breeder. Driving on those side roads through small town, USA was strange. I felt like we were in Mayberry. Well we picked her up and named her Casey. The rest as they say is history. The bottom line here is I went for a guy scared of dogs, never wanting to go near them or even pet them, to the guy who roles around on the floor with other peoples dogs the minute I meet them. Casey sleeps in between Leah and I every night. There is seriously nothing better than when I come home from anywhere and she comes running to the door. Its unconditional love. Never did I expect dog ownership to be this good and rewarding. She feels my sadness when I am down. Whenever I am having a low moment, maybe shedding a few tears missing my father, she senses it and curls right up next to me. If I love my dog this much, I can't imagine what it would be like if I had kids.

A quick moment of silence to my two favorite dogs of alltime: Mickey "The Bone Dog" Pavlish, coolest dog in Pepper Pike history. Nobody could lick beer off the floor or inhale smoke better than The Bone Dog. He wandered off and never came back somewhere in Clemson, South Carolina in 1997......Cleo Robuck, who brought her owners so much joy, begged at the dinner table for food until she couldn't beg anymore, and had to be put down last month.............

Song of the day: "Check the Rhyme" by A Tribe Called Quest. "If knowledge is the key, then just show me the lock. Got the scrawny legs, but I move just like Lou Brock."

Day 3

Lots of random thoughts on my mind today.......I stopped in at Clark Dog today for lunch. On almost every corner in the city, there are hot dog stands, and they all seem to do bang up business here. Would these work in other cities? I know my friend's sister tried to open one on the campus of the University of Montana and it didn't work. Same thing for a failed experiment at KU a few years after I left. I always thought if you put one in the suburban area of Cleveland where I grew up - a specific location, maybe Eton Square or Village Square - it would clean up...........I love this city, it is an amazing place to live. So many different neighborhoods, each has its own feel and the people reflect the neighborhoods they live in. Roscoe Village, where we live, is a perfect compliment to us. Laid back, chill, young families. If you ask me to describe it in three words I'd say Babies and Dogs. This city has to be the most segregated major city in the United States by neighborhood. The South and West sides are vastly different in style and culture than the North side.......This whole Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes having a baby thing is really bothering me. So many happily married people want and try to have kids, and run into all kinds of problems getting pregnant. Yet, these two jamokes who have been dating for 5 minutes get pregnant right away? Something doesn't compute there. It's a joke.......Living away from family is so tough. Not just my brother and his kids, my mother, and Leah's parents and brother; but my cousins, aunts and uncles. I have 10 first cousins. None of which live in Chicago. We are spread all over; San Francisco, Boulder, Cleveland, Vermont. We all grew up in such a tight knit family where we saw so much of each other. It is probably a rarity that a large family spent so much time together growing up, but it was great. As I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate our relationships more and more. Especially with my Uncle Kenny and Aunt Linda and Uncle Keith and Aunt Nancy. These are four of the best people anyone will ever have in their lives. Not that I didn't appreciate them before, but since the passing of my father, they way they have stepped in in my life, as well as my brother's and my mother's lives, has been above and beyond the call of duty. Sometimes I call my Uncle Kenny just to hear his voice because it reminds me of my father's. They are truly amazing people and don't get enough credit........The White Sox will beat the Red Sox in 4, The Astros will sweep the Braves, The Cardinals will sweep the Padres, and The Yankees will beat the Angels in 5............My Fantasy Football team needs some serious help..........The Song of the Day: "My Mind's Playin Tricks On Me" by the Geto Boys. Late 1980's classic old school. "Day by day it's more impossible to cope....I feel like I'm the one who's doin dope."

Day 2

Waking up this morning, I did my usual, listened to Howard Stern while getting ready for work. Artie Lange was talking about staying up to watch his beloved Yankees play the Angels in the baseball playoffs. It reminded me of how my great upcoming weekend was ruined. I had planned on flying to Cleveland on Friday, going to the Tribe playoff games Friday and Saturday with my mother and brother, then going to the Browns/Bears game on Sunday. Then reality set in. The Tribe, like all of my teams seem to do, had successfully choked away their chance. Its like they woke up last Sunday morning, looked in the mirror saw "Cleveland" across their chest and remembered who they were playing for. Where does this all lead? Leah, the amazing sport that she is, watched every single heartbreaking game with me last week. She had said to me on Friday in the 12th inning of a game "I'm glad your father isn't around to see this, because they would be giving him a heart attack." She was right. The previous week, I went to the Tribe/White Sox game here with my friends Ags and Dave. In the 7th inning, Tribe DH Travis Hafner came up to the plate. Down 0-2 in the count, he battled back to 3-2 and then fouled off 5 pitches before crushing a 3 run home run to silence the crowd. The three of us went crazy. I jumped on Dave's back. Ags gave me a big bear hug. Then, a deep sadness came over me. Dave knew it - he had lost his father to cancer 3 weeks before my father had passed. This was one of those moment. The first thing I wanted to do was pick up my cell phone and call my pops, like I had done so many times over the past 11 years of living in different states. Nobody would have enjoyed that moment more than he did. I have these moments every day. Whether it be his favorite Seinfeld episode on TBS or hearing "Taking Care of Business" by BTO on the radio - one of his favorite songs - I just have these moments where I cannot believe he isnt here. I look to the sky and smile. He is in my heart every minute. Again, I don't mean to get too heavy, and on many days, I'll be ranting about other things, like the fact that I am completely annoyed by the fact that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are having a baby or how I don't believe that we should be praising the allmighty man upstairs, because he isn't there. Be prepared for that too.

Too all of you reading this, thank you for your constant love, support and understanding why I feel the need to do something like this. Especially Leah - you are my rock and truly the best.

Song of the Day: "Soul Rebel" by the incomperable Bob Marley. Download it today. "I'm a rebel....soul rebel."

Bigups to Ryan Sturch, doing his thing in Southern Utah and making the world a better place.
TD

My First Blog Entry

Hello to all who have found this blog. I'm TD, you can read a little about me in my profile, but essentially I am a 29 year old who has been searching for meaning in this world over the last year. Up until last October, I didn't have a care in the world. I was happily married (and still am) to my college girlfriend Leah. I just started a new job which I love. I have great friends, and very close with my parents, as well as my inlaws. My brother is my best friend. And then, that Friday afternoon in early October, my phone rang. I looked at caller ID and saw it was my mother. Typically, I was annoyed thinking it was just my mother bothering me about something random while I was busy at work, but when I answered, I could tell there was something different. She didn't know how to say it so basically it unfolded this way: "We just got some bad news, Dad has cancer." I was speechless, breathless, numb, nauseous. She went on to tell me that my father was diagnosed with Tonsilar Cancer. The causes of this were smoking and heavy drinking, and my father did neither in his life. The doctors had told us that with chemotherapy and radiation, there was a 85% chance he would be fine. The following week I went back home for my dad's biopsy and we had found out that the cancer had not spread, so everything was going to be fine. He would start the treatments pretty much right away. Long story short, less than a month into the treatments, the day before thanksgiving, while driving home from Chicago, my Uncle called my cell phone to tell me my father had gone into intensive care. I turned to Leah after the call and said "I have never let this ever enter my mind, but do I have to start thinking about the possibility that he may die?" About a half hour later, in a driving rain/snow storm, my Uncle called again and I answered. He said "Are you the driver or the passenger?" I said "The Driver" and he said "You need to pull over." I gave the phone to Leah and blacked out. My father had passed away from complications of Tonsilar Cancer. My father was the dad everyone wished they had. One of his friends, I quoted in his eulogy, had told me that he was his best friend, and about 20 other guys would say the exact same thing.

So fast forward a year now - My life has been turned upside down. In this last year, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and survived it, my brother has been going through marital problems, and I have had my own issues. I went from a distant 4th to first in my family when it comes to the stability department. I don't want anyone to feel sorry. That is not what this about. This will be more of a day to day unburdening of my soul. Some days I may get deep on you, talk about my inner feelings regarding my father, but other days I may be telling you how pissed off I am because my KU Jayhawks can't hit the three point shot. I'll also list my hip hop/reggae/beatles tune of the day. I'll be back tomorrow with the beginning of the beginning.