Day 47

Day Three of the last day of it all. Closure was what I was searching for, and I think I may have found it. Yesterday was Dad's stone setting. It was a freezing cold day here in Cleveland, lots of snow, but the sun appeared through the clouds during a 4 hour window, which happened to be good for the ceremony. As cold as it was, the sun shining was a sign. It was time to move forward, not forgetting the past of the suffering that my Father had endured and the finality of his passing, but savoring the thousands of incredible memories that we were all lucky enough to share with him.

In the car on the way to the cemetery, it finally hit me. I had been ok for most of the weekend. As I said before, I had figured the weekend would be full of sadness. I had been waiting for it to come and it did. Sometimes I put myself in those moods. I can listen to certain songs or CD's that get me there. Lately I have been overlistening to the George Harrison "all things must pass," as amazing as that CD is, it has a very sad tone to it. We had it on on the way there. As we arrived at the cemetery, all the cars were lined up by my dad's plot. They have shoveled out a path the the grave itself. I didn't want to get out the car. Leah and I sat in the car for a few minutes as everyone gathered. We eventually came out and walked over to the grave. The stone was covered with a piece of plastic held in by four toothpicks. As the rabbi began to speak, my Mom grabbed one hand and Leah grabbed the other. The rush of emotions hit me like a ton of bricks and I began to sob. He asked Matt and I to remove the plastic and unveil the stone. It reads "Robert B. Dery 1942-2004, Always Bobby, Always With Us."

To see my Father's name and the years on a headstone in the ground was beyond eerie. I just couldn't control my emotions. The finality of all of it was now there. There is nothing I could do to bring him back. The rabbi asked if anyone wanted to speak. My Uncle Keith started by talking about the bookends of his relationship with my father, the man who walked his wife down the aisle to marry him. He said the day he was diagnosed, the two of them went to Cold Stone Creamery for Ice Cream. The line was so long, but my father with his great sense of humor said "maybe I should tell everyone in line I have cancer so we can cut to the front." My Uncle Jerry spoke about how he talks to my father every day and how much he misses him. I didn't want to speak, but something came over me that I needed everyone to hear. In so many words through my tears, I said my father died when I was 28 years old and I wouldn't trade those 28 years for anything. Some people's Father's live to be 100 and they don't have a quarter of the relationship and closeness that we had, and for that I am eternally grateful.

After the cemetery, we drove to Oakwood for a brunch. Steve and I shared some pretty deep thoughts in the car ride over that will stay with me forever. That stays with me though. The brunch was very nice and put me in a much better mood. My mom put it best, without the people in that room, we would have never been able to make it through what was the worst year of all of our lives. I did it. I got through it all relatively unscathed. For all of those who read this, I want to thank you for all the love and support over the last year, but the last three days especially.

Day 46

As you saw by my entry yesterday, Thanksgiving day was the one year anniversary of my Father's death. First and foremost, I was expecting to wake up in a completely down mood and not want to face the day. That didn't happen. I don't know if I was just building it up in my head for so long or if it was the fact I have been putting my thoughts and feelings out there for almost 2 months now in this forum, but the day turned out to be quite anti-climactic. Thanksgiving day in my family has always been "The Holiday." This year obviously had a different feel. But we all gathered as usual at Uncle Kenny's house in Waite Hill. Again, I expected to walk in having everyone looking sad, but it wasn't as such. It seemed like the norm; Grandmom made her famous chopped liver, though she said it wasn't as good because her "heart wasn't in it." There was cousin Steve eating his usual dozen of shrimp, Uncle Kenny playing bartender, great grand children running around. I did my best to spend a little time with everyone in the room as best I could. But again, I wasn't feeling the sadness that I had expected to feel. It was nice. Uncle Kenny lit two candles, one for dad, the other for other lost loved ones. We had an amazing feast, Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, vegetables (which I of course skipped), and a great array of deserts including some sort of chocolate brownie trifle that Cousin Debbie made (I need that recipe). We went home sad, happy, and full all at once. Thanksgiving is a day in which you are supposed to look back and reflect of what you are thankful for. I have so much to be thankful for, my cup runneth over. I am thankful that I had 28 years of amazing memories with My Father. I am thankful for having a best friend in my brother. I am thankful for having an amazingly strong mother. I am thankful for having cousins, aunts, and uncles who are make up an amazing support system. I am thankful for having so many incredible friends who have helped me beyond words in what is now the close of the worst year of my life. Most of all, I am thankful for my wife. Leah encompasses everything that I have ever wanted and needed in a life partner. She is my rock. I am who I am today because of who she is. I never would have been inspired to do the things I have done to this point if not for her being by my side. For that, I am eternally grateful to her.

Song of the Day: "Run of the Mill" by George Harrison - I am obsessed with this song currently.

Day 45

On the one year anniversary of the passing of my Father, the great Robert B. Dery, "Bobby D," I wanted to post my eulogy from his funeral.

In Many ways, the last year of my father’s life was his best year. But then again, everyday was his best day, every year was his best year. That was my father – the eternal optimist. My mom said to me that he was the “glass half full guy” while she was the glass “half-empty woman.” Dad was a family man first and foremost, and it rubbed off on me. Every single day of my life, I have done my best to emulate him and make him proud. He was the ultimate son, father, husband and grandfather. His marriage to my mother will always be the gold standard. 34 years and still in love like they were newlyweds. Les Levine said it best to me – “He was my best friend, and about 20 other guys best friend too.” Nobody, and I mean nobody could light up a room like my father. My friends all loved him like he was one of the crew. A day didn’t go by when my dad was in an email group with my friends talking about the Tribe, Howard Stern, or every bad reality television show he was addicted to at the time. He wasn’t just a father, he was a great friend.

Two years ago, when my beloved Kansas Jayhawks played in the sweet 16 round of the NCAA basketball tournament in Anaheim, CA – I came up with an idea. I had to be there. The games were on a Thursday and Saturday, and there was one person who was chomping at the bit to go with me – my dad. So I flew him out with me to LA. The games were great, but what was greater was the bonding time we had been sorely lacking, because I lived in Chicago in he was in Cleveland. We went to the games, watched Kansas win, then went to a sports bar, drank and ate greasy food – another one of his loves. At the end of the night, we went back to the hotel, where my dad proceeded to snore so loudly, I had to sleep on the floor in the bathroom! 3 nights in a row I did this. I don’t know how my mom did it for all of these years. I wouldn’t change a single solid second of that trip and it will stay with me forever.

My dad was the most generous person I’ve ever known. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for our family and his friends. Whenever Matt and I would come back in town from college – he would always offer to “run through a line” for us – meaning go get some fast food if we were hungry. If there were 2 minutes to go in a football game and the pizza was ready at Geraci’s, off he’d be to go get it. At Browns games at the old stadium, he would leave early, run to the car, and bring it right up to the stadium so we wouldn’t be stuck in traffic. His go to move was having a cop sit in it to get warm and run back into the stadium to see the finish. Nobody drove to and from sporting events better or faster than Bobby D. And to all of you in the crowd who know the story, yes, my dad left the Browns/Jets playoff game early in 86, and I think now he can be officially forgiven.

The aspect of my father I will miss the most is his energy. Seriously, the man knew how to have a good time. Whether it was going to Tribe games, going to his B.N.O group outings with his friends, or his love of roller coasters at Cedar Point, my dad was ready to go. Out trip to Cedar Point for his 60^th birthday was also a moment I will never forget. We often talked about skydiving together one day, much to the chagrin of my mother. He was the world’s oldest kid, and he loved being that way.

To everyone hear today, if you still are lucky enough to have your father in your life, make sure you tell him how much you love him and appreciate the time you have spent with him. I can take solice in knowing I told my father every time I saw him or spoke to him on the phone, that I loved him with all my heart.

When people die, you go to funerals and hear exaggerated stories of how great that particular person was; but not today – everything you hear is true. My father, the great Bobby D, was the genuine article. To me, there will never be a greater man to ever walk this earth.

Day 44

Today is day one of the three day period that I have been dreading for months. I must say, it started off better than expected. I woke up sad, and looked out my window to see snow had covered the city. So I knew we were in for a treat on the roads here today. We packed up the car and left around 8. The traffic leaving the city was heavier than normal because when people see snow for the first time in the season, they freak out. Not like Chicagoans don't see it every single year.

Anyways, the drive was long. Literally could not go over 65 tops because of the driving sleet from Chicago all the way to Cleveland. On the drive, I did a lot of reflecting. Reflecting on the terrible storm we were in last year. Reflecting on the call I received from Uncle Kenny telling me Dad was in intensive care. On how I, for the first time, had to actually start to entertain the thought of my Father dying. On the second call, from Uncle Kenny where he said to me "are you the passnenger or the driver." On the shock I proceeded to go in. On calling many of my friends to tell them the bad news and hearing the horror in their voices. On how sweet my good friends Jaime and Steve was to wait an hour ahead of us so Jaime could drive our car home because Leah and I were too devastated to do anything. On getting to a house full of people and going through a "hug line" where the only person I wanted to see was my Mother. Again, its all passed me now, its just something I had to remember one more time before I repress it.

The drive home today took almost 6 and a half hours because of the weather, but I have finally arrived. I am unpacked, and like a good grandson, I checked in with grandmom, and I am relaxing with Mom and Leah, awaiting the arrival of MD, Jace, and Reese. Mom is cooking lamb chops, twice baked potatoes, salad, and brownies. Day one will be behind me soon. Tomorrow is going to be a tough one, the one year anniversary of Dad's death.

Song of the Day: "The Stranger" by Billy Joel

Day 43

#43 Brad Daugherty. Captain on the nice guys finish last team. He was the Cavaliers' Center during the solid if unspectacular run of years in Cleveland basketball lore. He was also involved in one the greatest Dad stories ever. May 7th, 1989. Cavs vs. Bulls. MD, Dad, and I were at the Richfield Coliseum for game 5 of the Eastern Conference first round. This was the best team the Cavs had probably ever had. The game was tight throughout, but the Cavs had control. The Cavs were up two with three minutes left when Scottie Pippen shot a three from the corner and missed. Daugherty went up for the rebound, it fell right into his lap, and 85 year old Bill Cartwright grabbed the ball right over him, put back the missed shot and Daugherty fouled him. Daugherty was always so soft and my Dad couldn't stand him. He stood up and screamed at the top of his lungs "GODDAM IT DAUGHRETY! YOU ARE SO GODDAM SOFT!" Well, sitting two rows in front of us at every game was a quite couple who always glared back at us. The guy and his wife both stood up and turned around. The guy said "Why don't you get off his back asshole!" and his wife says "yeah, he is trying his best." Dad responds "Sit down Baldy! His best isn't getting floored by 85 year old Bill Cartwright in the most important game of his life! He is so soft." MD and I were dying. It was one of the all time classic Dad spaz moments. From that point on, the guy was always referred to in our circle as "Baldy." 2 minutes later, Michael Jordan hit his most famous jumper, "The Shot," and pretty much killed the organization.

The next three days will probably be pretty emotional, so I am saving that for those days. Today, I am talking sports. Some random thoughts on my teams:

1. On my first glimpse of my Jayhawks last night. The sloppy play was beyond frustrating. With 27 turnovers, we wont be able to beat anyone decent. I just have to keep telling myself that this season will be like this and try not to get frustrated. That is what you get when your team is all freshman and sophomores. Arizona played like crap and they exposed us

2. That being said, the fact that we were down 20-5 to start and could have gotten completely blown out, but battled back to tie it in the second half. Everytime we got close, we would turn the ball over. We will get better.

3. Overall I see a very fun and frustrating season where we upset a team like Oklahoma, but lose to a team like Kansas State. The question is who is going to score and what is going to be our identity on offense. We could be scary good if we get it all together by late February. But we have a long way to go.

4. I watched the last 3 quarters of the USC/Fresno State game late Saturday night. Reggie Bush may have put on the single sickest display by a RB that I have EVER seen in a college game. I am so glad I saw it live. This guy is the fastest I've ever seen. A special, once in a lifetime talent.

5. USC will not win the national title. I will load up on Texas in that Rose Bowl. I don't care what the line is. The Fresno State offense went up and down the field at will last night. If Paul Pinegar doesn't throw 4 bad picks, Fresno wins that game. he threw two extremely bad ones in the end zone going in for TD's. Plus, Fresno's RB was literally getting 8 yards a pop. I am not a huge college fan, but Saturday I watched as much college football as I have all year. I watched the 4th quarter of the Texas Tech/Oklahoma game which had an amazing finish. The end of the OSU/UM game, and most of the Fresno St/USC game. All very compelling TV.

6. The Cavaliers are looking real solid, an 8-2 start. To win back to back nights, the second on the road in Philly where we were down 15 in the 4th is sick. Larry Hughes has 37 and Lebron 36 with a triple double? Wow. MD brought up a good point to me. The best we can finish is 4th, assuming the Pistons win the division. But we want to finish 6th. 6th has us playing the winner of the bad atlantic division in round one, and avoiding the Pistons in round two. The Heat are way more beatable. I know this wont be happening until May, but just food for thought.

7. The Browns have been beyond boring this season, but I know it is a process. I still watch all of the games, and of course I skip this past week and they shutout Miami 22-0. I love Reuben Droughns heart and guts, Braylon Edwards' talent, and Andra Davis' toughness. Other than that, there isn't much there. I love the third regime on 8 years. Year 8 of the 4 year plan!

8. This is a big offseason for the Tribe, especially the Dolan Family. I am already hearing grumblings that our best reliever last year, Bob Howry, is being offered $11 million for three years from the Cubs. The Yankees are after him too. Of course this means he is pricing himself right out of town. We need a right handed power bat at either first base or in rightfield. I cannot take another year of Casey Blake as an everyday player. My predictions: Howry and Bob Wickman sign elsewhere. We sign Tom Gordon to close and let our youngsters take over the roles in the pen. We trade for Troy Glaus and play him at first base. We are stuck with Casey Blake in RF for another season. Kevin Millwood also signs elsewhere and we replace him with Paul Byrd. Remember where you heard all of this.

Song of the Day: "What Can I Do"(remix) by Ice Cube

Day 42

This is the Monday of the week that is going to be beyond tough. I wish there was a Tivo button on life where I can fast forward to next Monday. What am I looking to get out of this week? I'm not quite sure what to expect.

Today and tomorrow I have to tie up a lot of loose ends for work. Luckily, tonight is the Kansas/Arizona game from Maui at 8PM. Talk about a welcome distraction from my life events. KU hoops and the Tribe top that list. Wednesday we will be driving in with Casey in tow and a car full of clothes. Of course starting tomorrow the weather is supposed to take a crazy turn for the worse and the snow and freezing temparatures are imminent. That drive is going to be surreal, emotional, and long. It was in this same car, on this same wednesday - the day before thanksgiving - where Uncle Kenny gave me the phone call I never thought I would ever have to take. Everytime Leah and I have driven that route since last year, we go through a period of time where our emotions take over. I have yet to make that drive home without crying. I'm expecting this Wednesday to be no different. Thanksgiving day will be the one year anniversary of Dad's death, plus its Thanksgiving. Obviously, Thanksgiving has been tainted for the rest of my life. It will never be the same. The crazy thing is that Thanksgiving is the one big holiday in our family. My entire fanily gathers from all over the country in Cleveland and we spends Thanksgiving day together. For the last 5-6 years i'd say, its always been out at Uncle Kenny's house in Waite Hill. Aunt Linda is a mean cook. The food is always solid. As is the company. The last two years have been different though. A sadness has been in the air. Two years ago was our first Thanksgiving without our patriarch and leader, Grandpop, present. Last year was obviously sadder than sad.

Friday is the unveiling or stone setting. I have no idea how that is going to go. My hope is that the stone setting will provide me with some of the closure that I need. I know it is going to be sad and I don't know what if anything I am going to say, but I am just ready to get past it. Its always a crazy time at Thanksgiving trying to see so many family and friends. I just hope that I don't go into a "I don't want to see anyone" shell because I am so sad. We will see how it goes. One thing is for sure, I am very excited to see my family.

Song of the Day: "Between the Sheets" by the Isley Brothers

Day 41

As tough as yesterday was as an anniversary, today has to be close to that. A year ago today was the last time I saw my father alive. My Mom and I had to check him back into the hospital after the Friday night from hell that morning. My flight back to Chicago was that afternoon, so I was going to leave straight from the hospital. It was the day of the Ohio State/Michigan game. My Dad would usually stop everything to watch this game when he was healthy, but he was so weak that we had it on in the background and he could barely stay awake. Dad was always a minor OSU fan most of his life, but the John Cooper era of 1-9-1 against Michigan soured him. Combine that with my cousins going to Michigan and Dad being taken to at least a game a year in Ann Arbor, and his allegiance has shifted. He loved the whole big game atmosphere of a college football Saturday. I always used to refer to him as a "turncoat" and Michigan as "his boys."

MD had called that morning to let us know that he was going to be interviewed on ESPN News about the big Ron Artest/Pistons fans riot from the night before, since he was courtside and literally right in the middle of the melee. He was going to be on at 1:30. Nothing in this world made my Dad more proud than to watch his or listen to his son doing a national interview like this. When the interview began to air, Dad did his best to stay awake, but he literally could not. I should have sensed it right there. He couldn't even stay awake for a 4 minute interview of his son on TV. After the interview, I had to leave. One of my Mom's friends was picking me up and taking me to the airport. As I was ready to leave, I walked over the the bed and kissed him on the forehead and gave him a hug. I was always sad leaving him, but I was going to be coming back in 4 days, so I didn't even think anything of it.

I woke up this morning thinking about the fact that a year ago today, was the last time I would ever be spending with my Father. Though it seems as though in the past few days I have been dwelling on the negatives, I choose to remember my Dad as the positive fun-loving, amazing man that he was. All of the hospital negativity is coming out of me now, but I am retiring this material after next Friday, the day of the stone setting.

Song of the Day: "I Live for You" by George Harrison

Day 40

A year ago tonight (actually the exact date was Nov 19th) I spent what at the time was the single worst day and night of my life. It started out like most of the days had at the time. I woke up around 7 and mom and I would drive to the hospital where we would spend the day with dad. Only this day, a Friday, was the day we would be taking Dad home for a week, as his chemotherapy treatments were over for that session of time. We waited around most of the day through the several vital sign checks, his radiation appointments, and finally his last checkup and meeting with the doctor before he was cleared to go.

We had a moment of levity that day. Another classic case of my father keeping his sense of humor through it all. One of the nurses aides was named Ebony. Lets just say she wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Ebony's one job was to come in and check Dad's blood pressure. She came in three times everyday, and that day, she came in in the morning with a machine that didn't work. So she came back in with another one that worked. The second time she came in, she again brought in the faulty machine that didn't work. My dad couldn't stand her stupidity as he hated having his arm wrapped so tightly for no reason. She was so stupid that during dad's first week in the hospital, he was watching the Red Sox/Yankees playoff game and she said "who are you rooting for" and my dad said, neither, he was just watching. She then said "Is Boston in New York?" My Dad said, "Boston is playing New York." Ebony replied, "No, is Boston IN New York" and my dad was baffled. He said, No Ebony, Boston is in Massachusetts." True story. But I digress. A third time that day Ebony came in and had the wrong machine. I said "Ebony, you know you have the wrong machine again." She said "oh my goodness, I'm so sorry" and left. As she turned around, Dad - a tired, beaten man who couldn't speak - sat right up and gave her the old one finger salute! He flipped her the bird. Mom and I laughed hysterically.

So we were cleared to leave and go home around 2PM. Dad was very weak and cold. The chemo had made him vomit quite a bit. Driving home in the car, he began to throw up some more. By the time we got home, he had thrown up so much that his feeding tube came out. This was a serious problem because it was essentially fed through his nose. So we had to go back to the emergency room to get it put back in. I told my mom to stay home, I would take him, and we would be back soon. So we went all the way back downtown to the ER, we arrived at 4PM. I dropped him off and ran in. When we got there, the place was absolutely packed. With my Dad being a cancer patient, you would think he would recieve special attention. None, and this is "the great Cleveland Clinic." We sat in the general population area for an hour. He was completely susceptible to infection and I begged for him to be placed in a separate room, and finally they put us in some back room with just one other family. This other man was writhing in pain and moaning loudly. Dad and I were freaking out having to listen to this poor man in pain. He was also suffering from some sort of cancer. Finally, after 2 and a half hours of waiting, they took us into the ER and gave us a room with no TV. We sat in the room for another hour. I paced up and down and begged for someone to put the tube in so we could get out of there and go home, but nobody came. Finally someone came in. She attempted to put the tube back through his nose. It was seriously the worst thing I've EVER seen. As she was doing this, it was though I was watching my Father choking to death. He was struggling to breath. This doctor couldn't do it correctly for some reason. So she tried again. This time, she had put it in, but before we left, they had to take an X-ray to make sure it was out in the correct spot. So we waited another hour and they took the X-ray. The results came back 25 minutes later, the tube was but in incorrectly. This woman had out the tube into his lung. The whole time he kept trying to tell me something was wrong but he couldn't speak. He was struggling to breath. So I now called my Mom to tell her what is going on and she was furious. She said to get to the head doctor of the ER and get this done and call her back after it was done. I got to this guy, Lane Smith - i'll never forget him. I told him the situation and basically demanded that he do this correctly or there would be hell to pay. I told him I did not appreciate watching my Father choke to death while some moron put in his tube incorrectly not once, but TWICE. He told me that I needed to watch my tone with him and that he "could get a monkey to put the tube in correctly." I was so insulted. I yelled at him "you do this now. If it is so easy that a monkey could do it, than why did this idiot before you do it wrong?" So he was going to put the tube in himself. After another 30 minutes, he put the tube in. This time I couldn't watch. So the tube was now in and we had to wait for another X-ray. It came back again - IN HIS LUNG! It is now 9PM. We have been there for 5 hours and nothing has been solved.

I couldn't believe this was happening. I called my mom and she headed straight to the Clinic. She came in and immediately began in on the doctors. The head Doctor was a woman. We told her the whole story of what had happened thought the last 5 hours and it was on her to fix this immediately before we really were going to pull rank. She was completely snippy back to my mother. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The woman told us she was going to have to get an EMT paramedic to come in and do this properly, but they didn't know when this was going to be happening. So we waited in a different room. This time with a TV. We had the Pistons/Pacers game on. My brother was courtside. Little did we know what was going to happen there a few minutes later. Finally around 10:45, an EMT came in and put the tube in correctly in about 10 seconds without completely choking my Dad out. They took the X-Ray after sitting around for another 30 minutes. This time, it was in correctly and we could leave.

My poor Father. We arrived at 4PM and didn't leave until midnight. He was so drained. He had nothing left. We drove home and he slept most of the way. When we got home, we had learned of what happened in Detroit and that MD was right in the middle of it. As we sat and watched all of the postgame coverage in the family room, dad got violently ill again and threw up his feeding tube once again. Mom and I decided that there was no way we could go back there that night and that in the morning, he was going to have to be re-admitted. He was too sick to be home. That was the single worst day of my life. Having to watch my father in such pain and suffering is an image that I can never get out of my head. I had nightmares about it for weeks. I still do occasionally. Little did I know that the worst was not even yet to come.

Day 39

I didn't sleep all that well again last night. Was up early listening to Howard and lying in bed. It is just crazy to think about what I was doing at this time last year. Again, its a place I don't ever want to go back to, physically or mentally. The Cleveland Clinic may be one f the best hospitals in the country, but it makes me sick. I feel like I need to put this down in writing to get it off my chest as this is something that I never really discussed outside of my mother, Matt, and Leah.

The situation at the Clinic just gave me the creeps. Dad was on the VIP floor, where worldwide dignitaries, actors, and athletes came for their surgeries. Everyone was able to get their own room there. Per Dad's request, nobody other than family would be allowed to even see him. Nobody. He was tired, he was weak, and he was hooked up to the chemo machines 24 hours a day. The bags had to be changed every 12 hours. They came in to check his vitals it seemed incessantly to me throughout the day. Once a day, dad had to get up and walk literally all the way across the hospital, per doctors request to get some energy going, and get his radiation treatments done. Everyday, he had the same appointment. And everyday that you went in there, you would see the same people awaiting their appointments. I'll never forget one man who we'd see in there everyday. He was wheelchair-bound, had a feeding tube in his nose, was bald from the chemo, and looked like he weighed 100 pounds. I couldn't even look in his direction. I just felt so sorry for him. Another man we saw everyday had burns so bad on his face, he looked like he had been permanently subjected to a wind storm. It was from the radiation. It burns your skin so badly sometimes that this is a side effect that eventually goes away. Mom, Matt, and I would sit there for 15-20 minutes, wait for the treatment to end, and then walk dad back across the hospital to his room.

As we got further into the treatments - at this week last year - dad was going to have to be fed through a tube because he couldn't swallow anything due to what the radiation and chemo was doing to his throat. My mom fed him Boost, an nutritional drink via a large syringe a few times a day. He could only take so much of it and he threw it up quite a bit. It was just heartbreaking. The rest of the time spent was Dad sleeping while watching TV. He just didn't talk. We printed out sports articles from the Internet, gave him the newspaper, magazines, etc. But he would end up reading for a while, and then falling asleep. I even went as far as reading him some of the articles to help him. One thing that will always stick with me was that Dad began to watch the Travel channel almost all day long. Even now, thinking of it, I am welling up. He was never one to watch this channel, but he did it for a reason. He whispered to me that he wanted to see all of the beauty of the vacation spots they talked about because after he beat cancer, he was going to see all of them in person. That was dad in a nutshell. The man was suffering, he was a shell of himself, yet he still stayed positive through it all. He was going to get out of there and live his life how he always had lived it - to the fullest.

The Sun would go down, Mom would feed him again, we would watch the 6 O'clock news and visiting hours would be over. Leaving the Clinic everyday was gut wrenching. I cried after every visit. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. What we were going through was unbelievably hard, but more so for my father. How there hasn't been a cure for cancer yet, I will never understand, but we need to keep donating and keep fighting to rid the world of this horrible disease.

Song of the Day: In honor of my dad being the man who gave shots in the Army, like he used to say in the "upper outer quadrant" of the butt. "Doctor Robert" by The Beatles.

Day 38

30 degrees, extremely windy, snow flurries, and just flat out cold. That is the state of Chicago here on November 16th of 2005. Today is the first REAL winter day here. We've been lucky for a while, but Winter is now upon us. When I took Casey around the block for a walk this morning, I couldn't wait to get back inside. My feet have been perpetually cold all day. Again, days like today I wish I had a house and a yard where I could just open my backdoor and let Casey go free and do what she has to do in the backyard. It is a chore to take her out. We live in a condo building on the 4th floor. So everytime I take her out, its put her leash on, put my jacket on, walk down the hall, get in the elevator and take it down, go outside and walk around the entire block. Casey loves talking her sweet ass time, especially when its cold for some reason. I can hear my mother now "this is exactly why I would never in a million years have a dog."

Side Notes - Ok, I am now writing this paragraph just minutes after I came in from walking Casey. Let me just say this ITS FREEZING. The wind is so strong out there. I am dreading the next time I have to set foot outside later. Only 37 days until we leave for Arizona......

I was real disappointed with the season finale of Laguna Beach Monday night. Literally nothing happened. Talk about old bits, watching 30 minutes of people saying phony goodbyes to each other. Lame.....

My Cleveland Cavaliers are off to a 5-2 start and look real good. Since I watched the Tribe essentially every day during the season and I always get the College Basketball package, I do not get the NBA package. I have to draw the line somewhere. The Cavs are on national TV quite a bit, so I watch those games. Although, somehow I get the feeling that I am missing the opportunity to watch the second coming of Michael Jordan; a fact that Ags has pointed out to me on several occasions. But NBA basketball is pretty boring to me. College Basketball is my sport and KU's season starts Friday night. I'll be split screening with the Cavs/Magic game on ESPN......

I'm at a loss today. Not much else to say. The cold has frozen my thought process.....

Song of the Day: "Royalty" by Gangstarr