Day 50

First off - who thought I would ever make it to 50 blog entries? I'm going to go out on a limb and say NOBODY! Time for some random thoughts:

-For years I have been an avid watcher of the Real World series on MTV. As with everything else, some seasons are better than others. But in the last few years, the formula is getting increasingly more stale and tired. How many more times do I have to watch the first show where everyone fights over rooms, they all get in the hottub, get loaded, and two roommates end up hooking up? Last season in Philly was real lame. No hot chick + two gay guys = me not watching. This past season in Austin looked like it had some promise. So I watched. I figured I would give it one last shot. Lets just say I'm done. Lets see, they go out, get loaded, get into fights, someone gets thrown in jail, two roommates hook up, they fight, and the cycle repeats for 13 weeks. As a wise man once said "its an old bit."

-Speaking of TV, was unhappy to read that my show Reunion was cancelled. That is now the third show in the pats two years that Leah and I have gotten into a gotten the ax; American Dreams, Jack & Bobby, and now Reunion. Guess that after The O.C. timeslot is still a failure.

-It is getting bitter cold here. This wind is brutal. Nothing better than Casey taking her sweet time when I am shivering out there.

-My man Howard Stern is on 60 Minutes this Sunday in their feature story with Ed Bradley. Very interested to see it since they had him go back to his old neighborhood in Roosevelt, NY for the first time since he left as a kid and vowed never to go back.

-How good are digital cameras? To me, there is no reason for anyone who takes pictures not to have one. The technology is so good that I can send out my pictures (and many of you know that I do) as soon as I get back to my computer. I am my father's son with taking photos. Everyone gets annoyed when I get picture happy, and then love it when I send them out so quickly.

-I am really looking forward to my 4:30am wakeup Friday morning followed by a 3 hour drive to Grand Rapids, MI to do a 1 hour sales meeting, then drive 3 hours all the way back. Although, I will gladly trade that for all of the days that I sit here in my jeans, t-shirt, and sandals all day working from home.

-Big night of college hoops tonight highlighted by Duke/Indiana. I know my man Mark P has been looking forward to this game for months. I think Duke struggles at Assembly Hall but wins 75-73.

Song of the Day: "Quality Control" by Jurrasic 5

Day 49

I wanted to talk a little today about my good friend Dave. Dave and I went to high school together, but weren't nearly as close as we are now. He was in the grade below me. We started becoming closer during the summers when we were both in college, especially during the epic "Summer of Todd," as we all refer to it. Dave was a big part of the solid crew that tore up ctown during that said summer of 1998. There were a lot of people around then, but mostly it was myself, Gregg, Dave, and my other friend Todd. From that summer on, Dave and I kept in close touch.

Dave is truly one of a kind. He just has a way about him that you cannot help but like him and laugh. He is beyond outgoing. He has done so many things over the years that have made me laugh. Here are some of my favorite Dave being Dave moments:

-On his 21st b-day, we all went out downtown to Shooters in the flats. We all got pretty banged up. In attendance that night was Tribe pitcher Charles Nagy. Nagy had just died his hair bleach blonde. Dave had disappeared for a few minutes and we went looking for him. All of a sudden, I spotted him with Nagy, as I walk over to them, I hear Dave say "..and another thing Charlie, about that hair, its weak, I don't like it."

-He unknowingly let is slip that our friend Brandon, who at the time was one of my best friends for some odd reason, had been sleeping with my high school girlfriend behind my back while I was away at college. Even though it was 5 years earlier at the time, there was no reason for me to be friends with someone who was would do that to me, so we all snipped him. To quote Gregg "this was the best thing Dave ever did."

-Dave has given some unforgettable rehearsal dinner speeches. At his friend Allison's rehearsal dinner, he gave a speech how he knew that Allison and Ari were made for each other because one time he had asked her is she farts in front of Ari. Dave went on to say that Allison told him how she does and how they have farting contests and how she can clear a room with her gas.
At another rehearsal dinner he was rambling so long that people began to boo him off stage and the band started to play music. Dave's response as "this isn't the Oscars, I'll go as long as I want."

-In our wedding video, it captured a classic Dave moment. The circle for the Hora was beginning and was pretty deep, you can follow Dave from his table, to the the dance floor, breaking through the circle, and started his own dance with me, my dad, and my uncle.

-Last weekend, he came by the house to see my mom. We started talking about some girl and he said to my mom, "yeah Patti, she's cute, comes from a great family, has nice boobs....."

Dave and I also are a member of the club nobody wants to be a part of. About a month a half before my Dad died, his father had passed away from Pancreatic cancer. He had been sick for almost a year and it was so tough for him. He was going back and forth between Chicago and Florida where his dad was quite a bit. Through it all, he was so unbelievable positive and strong. He was a role model for me on how to act in the tough situation I was in. He was the guy I was talking to the most through my whole struggle because nobody else could relate to me the way he could. He was the first person I called when I found out my father died. Again we are in the same boat with trying to take care of our mothers as best as we can, both from Chicago. Its tough, but we are both doing it.

Everyone likes Dave. Its hard not to like him. Nothing better than watching him squirm when some tells him he looks like David Schwimmer, even though he looks more like Dylan McDermott. He drove to ctown this past weekend. On the way home, his car completely died at the Indiana/Ohio border. He was stuck for like 3 hours before he could figure out a way to get home. God bless the kid, only he could find a way to stay positive through it all.

Song of the Day: "Cissy Strut" by The Meters

Day 48

Glad to be back home. Leah and I got up and out pretty early yesterday morning. We were out of the house by 7:45 CST and were back in the house by 1:15. It was perfect. We missed all of the traffic and cruised home in 5 and a half hours. Some weekend highlights I didn't get to in the blog entries from the weekend:

1. Wednesday night Cousin Steve came over to see us after dinner at his mom's. He had all of the solid material working. He really knows how to lighten my mood. I wasn't really feeling up to it, but my boys Gregg, Dave, and Rafal called and said I have to meet them out. So Steve and I went. We met at the bar at Moxie with a few people including of friends Jodi and Jason who had a baby recently. My boys loved hanging with the infamous Cousin Steve. We had a few drinks and I was ready to bounce. I ended up going out to the new sceny spot, Sushi Rock. The place is so Cleveland-trying-to be-hip. Ran into a ton of randoms of the old school. I was a mess, I hadn't planned on going out so I didn't shower and had on my black beanie. I'm sure I was getting a few comments on that. Anyways, I had a real solid time. The highlight was running into my boy Ags' new girlfriend, who I knew from years back but hadn't seen probably since high school. I probably spent 20 minutes talking to her. She was very cool and down to earth. I definitely approve. All in all there, there is still nothing better to me than hanging out with my old school crew from ctown. When we are all together, its like we get right back into the old routine.

2. You cannot go anywhere in Cleveland without running into someone you know. Leah and I were in Knuth's and one of the woman working there went to my high school. Also saw two other random mothers that I knew from growing up.

3. Friday night we had dinner with our good friends Jeremy and Amy in Ohio City at a place called the Fulton bar & Grill. I had a dish that was the whup - Penne Pasta, carmelized onions, and Blue cheese. It was real solid. Jer and I had a solid 10-15 minute Beatles discussion in which MD, Leah, and Amy seemed really uninterested. On that same note, Leah got real tired of me listening to the George Harrison CD everytime we were in the car this past weekend.

4. After dinner, Leah, MD, and I met Cousin's Julie, Kathy, and Steve and some of Julie's friends. Again, cant go anywhere in ctown without running into someone I know. First it was a table of a girl I worked at Hawken Day Camp with and her two friends, one of whom I knew from Chicago. Then on the way to the bathroom, I ran into a table of 8, 6 of whom I knew, including my future brother in law Justin's sister and her husband. Ok - everyone follow that? Steve was killing me. Nobody has better material just by being them self quite like Steve.

5. After a large double Belvedere, Rafal picked me up and we headed over to another weak ctown bar, Bossanova, or as I like to call it, the place where 45 year old divorced men come to try to pick up 20 something women. This was where a bunch of people were meeting after their 10 year reunion, including Dave. Random's here included the great Reality TV star from For Love or Money, my old neighbor Mike Deatly. Mike spent a lot of time at my house growing up, especially in high school. The random of all randoms is that his girlfriend is none other than the Swedish meatball herself, my ex-high school girlfriend Lara. All I know is that she gave me the "I meant to call you last year about your father" routine. Do me a favor, save it. Just say I'm sorry about your father and move on. The other classic is that she had asked about Leah and said "I can't believe you were cheating on me with her and now you guys are married." I told her is was 11 years ago and she needed to get past it. Lara and Deatly together was too much. Another classic was seeing former OHS track star EJ Martin in his fur coat. How solid is that? There were some seriously inebriated people in this crew. I stayed there until around 1:30 and went home. Great time though.

6. Leah, Mom, and I went to Fleming's steakhouse with my Grandmother. What a great restaurant. Gets my seal of approval. What great steaks they have there. A tad on the pricey side, but as steakhouses go, it is definitely worth it. Had a wonderful time with my grandmother. She and my mom both had these Peach Martini's that were pretty good. She was really in good spirits.

Lastly, again, I want to thank all of my friends who called this past weekend to check to see how we were doing. Nobody let me down. I cannot begin to describe how lucky I am to have such great friends. As I said the other day - onward and upward positively from here on out.

Song of the Day: "Friends" by Snoop Dogg, Warren G, and Nate Dogg. An Ags "Head bobbing" track.

Day 47

Day Three of the last day of it all. Closure was what I was searching for, and I think I may have found it. Yesterday was Dad's stone setting. It was a freezing cold day here in Cleveland, lots of snow, but the sun appeared through the clouds during a 4 hour window, which happened to be good for the ceremony. As cold as it was, the sun shining was a sign. It was time to move forward, not forgetting the past of the suffering that my Father had endured and the finality of his passing, but savoring the thousands of incredible memories that we were all lucky enough to share with him.

In the car on the way to the cemetery, it finally hit me. I had been ok for most of the weekend. As I said before, I had figured the weekend would be full of sadness. I had been waiting for it to come and it did. Sometimes I put myself in those moods. I can listen to certain songs or CD's that get me there. Lately I have been overlistening to the George Harrison "all things must pass," as amazing as that CD is, it has a very sad tone to it. We had it on on the way there. As we arrived at the cemetery, all the cars were lined up by my dad's plot. They have shoveled out a path the the grave itself. I didn't want to get out the car. Leah and I sat in the car for a few minutes as everyone gathered. We eventually came out and walked over to the grave. The stone was covered with a piece of plastic held in by four toothpicks. As the rabbi began to speak, my Mom grabbed one hand and Leah grabbed the other. The rush of emotions hit me like a ton of bricks and I began to sob. He asked Matt and I to remove the plastic and unveil the stone. It reads "Robert B. Dery 1942-2004, Always Bobby, Always With Us."

To see my Father's name and the years on a headstone in the ground was beyond eerie. I just couldn't control my emotions. The finality of all of it was now there. There is nothing I could do to bring him back. The rabbi asked if anyone wanted to speak. My Uncle Keith started by talking about the bookends of his relationship with my father, the man who walked his wife down the aisle to marry him. He said the day he was diagnosed, the two of them went to Cold Stone Creamery for Ice Cream. The line was so long, but my father with his great sense of humor said "maybe I should tell everyone in line I have cancer so we can cut to the front." My Uncle Jerry spoke about how he talks to my father every day and how much he misses him. I didn't want to speak, but something came over me that I needed everyone to hear. In so many words through my tears, I said my father died when I was 28 years old and I wouldn't trade those 28 years for anything. Some people's Father's live to be 100 and they don't have a quarter of the relationship and closeness that we had, and for that I am eternally grateful.

After the cemetery, we drove to Oakwood for a brunch. Steve and I shared some pretty deep thoughts in the car ride over that will stay with me forever. That stays with me though. The brunch was very nice and put me in a much better mood. My mom put it best, without the people in that room, we would have never been able to make it through what was the worst year of all of our lives. I did it. I got through it all relatively unscathed. For all of those who read this, I want to thank you for all the love and support over the last year, but the last three days especially.

Day 46

As you saw by my entry yesterday, Thanksgiving day was the one year anniversary of my Father's death. First and foremost, I was expecting to wake up in a completely down mood and not want to face the day. That didn't happen. I don't know if I was just building it up in my head for so long or if it was the fact I have been putting my thoughts and feelings out there for almost 2 months now in this forum, but the day turned out to be quite anti-climactic. Thanksgiving day in my family has always been "The Holiday." This year obviously had a different feel. But we all gathered as usual at Uncle Kenny's house in Waite Hill. Again, I expected to walk in having everyone looking sad, but it wasn't as such. It seemed like the norm; Grandmom made her famous chopped liver, though she said it wasn't as good because her "heart wasn't in it." There was cousin Steve eating his usual dozen of shrimp, Uncle Kenny playing bartender, great grand children running around. I did my best to spend a little time with everyone in the room as best I could. But again, I wasn't feeling the sadness that I had expected to feel. It was nice. Uncle Kenny lit two candles, one for dad, the other for other lost loved ones. We had an amazing feast, Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, vegetables (which I of course skipped), and a great array of deserts including some sort of chocolate brownie trifle that Cousin Debbie made (I need that recipe). We went home sad, happy, and full all at once. Thanksgiving is a day in which you are supposed to look back and reflect of what you are thankful for. I have so much to be thankful for, my cup runneth over. I am thankful that I had 28 years of amazing memories with My Father. I am thankful for having a best friend in my brother. I am thankful for having an amazingly strong mother. I am thankful for having cousins, aunts, and uncles who are make up an amazing support system. I am thankful for having so many incredible friends who have helped me beyond words in what is now the close of the worst year of my life. Most of all, I am thankful for my wife. Leah encompasses everything that I have ever wanted and needed in a life partner. She is my rock. I am who I am today because of who she is. I never would have been inspired to do the things I have done to this point if not for her being by my side. For that, I am eternally grateful to her.

Song of the Day: "Run of the Mill" by George Harrison - I am obsessed with this song currently.

Day 45

On the one year anniversary of the passing of my Father, the great Robert B. Dery, "Bobby D," I wanted to post my eulogy from his funeral.

In Many ways, the last year of my father’s life was his best year. But then again, everyday was his best day, every year was his best year. That was my father – the eternal optimist. My mom said to me that he was the “glass half full guy” while she was the glass “half-empty woman.” Dad was a family man first and foremost, and it rubbed off on me. Every single day of my life, I have done my best to emulate him and make him proud. He was the ultimate son, father, husband and grandfather. His marriage to my mother will always be the gold standard. 34 years and still in love like they were newlyweds. Les Levine said it best to me – “He was my best friend, and about 20 other guys best friend too.” Nobody, and I mean nobody could light up a room like my father. My friends all loved him like he was one of the crew. A day didn’t go by when my dad was in an email group with my friends talking about the Tribe, Howard Stern, or every bad reality television show he was addicted to at the time. He wasn’t just a father, he was a great friend.

Two years ago, when my beloved Kansas Jayhawks played in the sweet 16 round of the NCAA basketball tournament in Anaheim, CA – I came up with an idea. I had to be there. The games were on a Thursday and Saturday, and there was one person who was chomping at the bit to go with me – my dad. So I flew him out with me to LA. The games were great, but what was greater was the bonding time we had been sorely lacking, because I lived in Chicago in he was in Cleveland. We went to the games, watched Kansas win, then went to a sports bar, drank and ate greasy food – another one of his loves. At the end of the night, we went back to the hotel, where my dad proceeded to snore so loudly, I had to sleep on the floor in the bathroom! 3 nights in a row I did this. I don’t know how my mom did it for all of these years. I wouldn’t change a single solid second of that trip and it will stay with me forever.

My dad was the most generous person I’ve ever known. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for our family and his friends. Whenever Matt and I would come back in town from college – he would always offer to “run through a line” for us – meaning go get some fast food if we were hungry. If there were 2 minutes to go in a football game and the pizza was ready at Geraci’s, off he’d be to go get it. At Browns games at the old stadium, he would leave early, run to the car, and bring it right up to the stadium so we wouldn’t be stuck in traffic. His go to move was having a cop sit in it to get warm and run back into the stadium to see the finish. Nobody drove to and from sporting events better or faster than Bobby D. And to all of you in the crowd who know the story, yes, my dad left the Browns/Jets playoff game early in 86, and I think now he can be officially forgiven.

The aspect of my father I will miss the most is his energy. Seriously, the man knew how to have a good time. Whether it was going to Tribe games, going to his B.N.O group outings with his friends, or his love of roller coasters at Cedar Point, my dad was ready to go. Out trip to Cedar Point for his 60^th birthday was also a moment I will never forget. We often talked about skydiving together one day, much to the chagrin of my mother. He was the world’s oldest kid, and he loved being that way.

To everyone hear today, if you still are lucky enough to have your father in your life, make sure you tell him how much you love him and appreciate the time you have spent with him. I can take solice in knowing I told my father every time I saw him or spoke to him on the phone, that I loved him with all my heart.

When people die, you go to funerals and hear exaggerated stories of how great that particular person was; but not today – everything you hear is true. My father, the great Bobby D, was the genuine article. To me, there will never be a greater man to ever walk this earth.

Day 44

Today is day one of the three day period that I have been dreading for months. I must say, it started off better than expected. I woke up sad, and looked out my window to see snow had covered the city. So I knew we were in for a treat on the roads here today. We packed up the car and left around 8. The traffic leaving the city was heavier than normal because when people see snow for the first time in the season, they freak out. Not like Chicagoans don't see it every single year.

Anyways, the drive was long. Literally could not go over 65 tops because of the driving sleet from Chicago all the way to Cleveland. On the drive, I did a lot of reflecting. Reflecting on the terrible storm we were in last year. Reflecting on the call I received from Uncle Kenny telling me Dad was in intensive care. On how I, for the first time, had to actually start to entertain the thought of my Father dying. On the second call, from Uncle Kenny where he said to me "are you the passnenger or the driver." On the shock I proceeded to go in. On calling many of my friends to tell them the bad news and hearing the horror in their voices. On how sweet my good friends Jaime and Steve was to wait an hour ahead of us so Jaime could drive our car home because Leah and I were too devastated to do anything. On getting to a house full of people and going through a "hug line" where the only person I wanted to see was my Mother. Again, its all passed me now, its just something I had to remember one more time before I repress it.

The drive home today took almost 6 and a half hours because of the weather, but I have finally arrived. I am unpacked, and like a good grandson, I checked in with grandmom, and I am relaxing with Mom and Leah, awaiting the arrival of MD, Jace, and Reese. Mom is cooking lamb chops, twice baked potatoes, salad, and brownies. Day one will be behind me soon. Tomorrow is going to be a tough one, the one year anniversary of Dad's death.

Song of the Day: "The Stranger" by Billy Joel

Day 43

#43 Brad Daugherty. Captain on the nice guys finish last team. He was the Cavaliers' Center during the solid if unspectacular run of years in Cleveland basketball lore. He was also involved in one the greatest Dad stories ever. May 7th, 1989. Cavs vs. Bulls. MD, Dad, and I were at the Richfield Coliseum for game 5 of the Eastern Conference first round. This was the best team the Cavs had probably ever had. The game was tight throughout, but the Cavs had control. The Cavs were up two with three minutes left when Scottie Pippen shot a three from the corner and missed. Daugherty went up for the rebound, it fell right into his lap, and 85 year old Bill Cartwright grabbed the ball right over him, put back the missed shot and Daugherty fouled him. Daugherty was always so soft and my Dad couldn't stand him. He stood up and screamed at the top of his lungs "GODDAM IT DAUGHRETY! YOU ARE SO GODDAM SOFT!" Well, sitting two rows in front of us at every game was a quite couple who always glared back at us. The guy and his wife both stood up and turned around. The guy said "Why don't you get off his back asshole!" and his wife says "yeah, he is trying his best." Dad responds "Sit down Baldy! His best isn't getting floored by 85 year old Bill Cartwright in the most important game of his life! He is so soft." MD and I were dying. It was one of the all time classic Dad spaz moments. From that point on, the guy was always referred to in our circle as "Baldy." 2 minutes later, Michael Jordan hit his most famous jumper, "The Shot," and pretty much killed the organization.

The next three days will probably be pretty emotional, so I am saving that for those days. Today, I am talking sports. Some random thoughts on my teams:

1. On my first glimpse of my Jayhawks last night. The sloppy play was beyond frustrating. With 27 turnovers, we wont be able to beat anyone decent. I just have to keep telling myself that this season will be like this and try not to get frustrated. That is what you get when your team is all freshman and sophomores. Arizona played like crap and they exposed us

2. That being said, the fact that we were down 20-5 to start and could have gotten completely blown out, but battled back to tie it in the second half. Everytime we got close, we would turn the ball over. We will get better.

3. Overall I see a very fun and frustrating season where we upset a team like Oklahoma, but lose to a team like Kansas State. The question is who is going to score and what is going to be our identity on offense. We could be scary good if we get it all together by late February. But we have a long way to go.

4. I watched the last 3 quarters of the USC/Fresno State game late Saturday night. Reggie Bush may have put on the single sickest display by a RB that I have EVER seen in a college game. I am so glad I saw it live. This guy is the fastest I've ever seen. A special, once in a lifetime talent.

5. USC will not win the national title. I will load up on Texas in that Rose Bowl. I don't care what the line is. The Fresno State offense went up and down the field at will last night. If Paul Pinegar doesn't throw 4 bad picks, Fresno wins that game. he threw two extremely bad ones in the end zone going in for TD's. Plus, Fresno's RB was literally getting 8 yards a pop. I am not a huge college fan, but Saturday I watched as much college football as I have all year. I watched the 4th quarter of the Texas Tech/Oklahoma game which had an amazing finish. The end of the OSU/UM game, and most of the Fresno St/USC game. All very compelling TV.

6. The Cavaliers are looking real solid, an 8-2 start. To win back to back nights, the second on the road in Philly where we were down 15 in the 4th is sick. Larry Hughes has 37 and Lebron 36 with a triple double? Wow. MD brought up a good point to me. The best we can finish is 4th, assuming the Pistons win the division. But we want to finish 6th. 6th has us playing the winner of the bad atlantic division in round one, and avoiding the Pistons in round two. The Heat are way more beatable. I know this wont be happening until May, but just food for thought.

7. The Browns have been beyond boring this season, but I know it is a process. I still watch all of the games, and of course I skip this past week and they shutout Miami 22-0. I love Reuben Droughns heart and guts, Braylon Edwards' talent, and Andra Davis' toughness. Other than that, there isn't much there. I love the third regime on 8 years. Year 8 of the 4 year plan!

8. This is a big offseason for the Tribe, especially the Dolan Family. I am already hearing grumblings that our best reliever last year, Bob Howry, is being offered $11 million for three years from the Cubs. The Yankees are after him too. Of course this means he is pricing himself right out of town. We need a right handed power bat at either first base or in rightfield. I cannot take another year of Casey Blake as an everyday player. My predictions: Howry and Bob Wickman sign elsewhere. We sign Tom Gordon to close and let our youngsters take over the roles in the pen. We trade for Troy Glaus and play him at first base. We are stuck with Casey Blake in RF for another season. Kevin Millwood also signs elsewhere and we replace him with Paul Byrd. Remember where you heard all of this.

Song of the Day: "What Can I Do"(remix) by Ice Cube

Day 42

This is the Monday of the week that is going to be beyond tough. I wish there was a Tivo button on life where I can fast forward to next Monday. What am I looking to get out of this week? I'm not quite sure what to expect.

Today and tomorrow I have to tie up a lot of loose ends for work. Luckily, tonight is the Kansas/Arizona game from Maui at 8PM. Talk about a welcome distraction from my life events. KU hoops and the Tribe top that list. Wednesday we will be driving in with Casey in tow and a car full of clothes. Of course starting tomorrow the weather is supposed to take a crazy turn for the worse and the snow and freezing temparatures are imminent. That drive is going to be surreal, emotional, and long. It was in this same car, on this same wednesday - the day before thanksgiving - where Uncle Kenny gave me the phone call I never thought I would ever have to take. Everytime Leah and I have driven that route since last year, we go through a period of time where our emotions take over. I have yet to make that drive home without crying. I'm expecting this Wednesday to be no different. Thanksgiving day will be the one year anniversary of Dad's death, plus its Thanksgiving. Obviously, Thanksgiving has been tainted for the rest of my life. It will never be the same. The crazy thing is that Thanksgiving is the one big holiday in our family. My entire fanily gathers from all over the country in Cleveland and we spends Thanksgiving day together. For the last 5-6 years i'd say, its always been out at Uncle Kenny's house in Waite Hill. Aunt Linda is a mean cook. The food is always solid. As is the company. The last two years have been different though. A sadness has been in the air. Two years ago was our first Thanksgiving without our patriarch and leader, Grandpop, present. Last year was obviously sadder than sad.

Friday is the unveiling or stone setting. I have no idea how that is going to go. My hope is that the stone setting will provide me with some of the closure that I need. I know it is going to be sad and I don't know what if anything I am going to say, but I am just ready to get past it. Its always a crazy time at Thanksgiving trying to see so many family and friends. I just hope that I don't go into a "I don't want to see anyone" shell because I am so sad. We will see how it goes. One thing is for sure, I am very excited to see my family.

Song of the Day: "Between the Sheets" by the Isley Brothers

Day 41

As tough as yesterday was as an anniversary, today has to be close to that. A year ago today was the last time I saw my father alive. My Mom and I had to check him back into the hospital after the Friday night from hell that morning. My flight back to Chicago was that afternoon, so I was going to leave straight from the hospital. It was the day of the Ohio State/Michigan game. My Dad would usually stop everything to watch this game when he was healthy, but he was so weak that we had it on in the background and he could barely stay awake. Dad was always a minor OSU fan most of his life, but the John Cooper era of 1-9-1 against Michigan soured him. Combine that with my cousins going to Michigan and Dad being taken to at least a game a year in Ann Arbor, and his allegiance has shifted. He loved the whole big game atmosphere of a college football Saturday. I always used to refer to him as a "turncoat" and Michigan as "his boys."

MD had called that morning to let us know that he was going to be interviewed on ESPN News about the big Ron Artest/Pistons fans riot from the night before, since he was courtside and literally right in the middle of the melee. He was going to be on at 1:30. Nothing in this world made my Dad more proud than to watch his or listen to his son doing a national interview like this. When the interview began to air, Dad did his best to stay awake, but he literally could not. I should have sensed it right there. He couldn't even stay awake for a 4 minute interview of his son on TV. After the interview, I had to leave. One of my Mom's friends was picking me up and taking me to the airport. As I was ready to leave, I walked over the the bed and kissed him on the forehead and gave him a hug. I was always sad leaving him, but I was going to be coming back in 4 days, so I didn't even think anything of it.

I woke up this morning thinking about the fact that a year ago today, was the last time I would ever be spending with my Father. Though it seems as though in the past few days I have been dwelling on the negatives, I choose to remember my Dad as the positive fun-loving, amazing man that he was. All of the hospital negativity is coming out of me now, but I am retiring this material after next Friday, the day of the stone setting.

Song of the Day: "I Live for You" by George Harrison

Day 40

A year ago tonight (actually the exact date was Nov 19th) I spent what at the time was the single worst day and night of my life. It started out like most of the days had at the time. I woke up around 7 and mom and I would drive to the hospital where we would spend the day with dad. Only this day, a Friday, was the day we would be taking Dad home for a week, as his chemotherapy treatments were over for that session of time. We waited around most of the day through the several vital sign checks, his radiation appointments, and finally his last checkup and meeting with the doctor before he was cleared to go.

We had a moment of levity that day. Another classic case of my father keeping his sense of humor through it all. One of the nurses aides was named Ebony. Lets just say she wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Ebony's one job was to come in and check Dad's blood pressure. She came in three times everyday, and that day, she came in in the morning with a machine that didn't work. So she came back in with another one that worked. The second time she came in, she again brought in the faulty machine that didn't work. My dad couldn't stand her stupidity as he hated having his arm wrapped so tightly for no reason. She was so stupid that during dad's first week in the hospital, he was watching the Red Sox/Yankees playoff game and she said "who are you rooting for" and my dad said, neither, he was just watching. She then said "Is Boston in New York?" My Dad said, "Boston is playing New York." Ebony replied, "No, is Boston IN New York" and my dad was baffled. He said, No Ebony, Boston is in Massachusetts." True story. But I digress. A third time that day Ebony came in and had the wrong machine. I said "Ebony, you know you have the wrong machine again." She said "oh my goodness, I'm so sorry" and left. As she turned around, Dad - a tired, beaten man who couldn't speak - sat right up and gave her the old one finger salute! He flipped her the bird. Mom and I laughed hysterically.

So we were cleared to leave and go home around 2PM. Dad was very weak and cold. The chemo had made him vomit quite a bit. Driving home in the car, he began to throw up some more. By the time we got home, he had thrown up so much that his feeding tube came out. This was a serious problem because it was essentially fed through his nose. So we had to go back to the emergency room to get it put back in. I told my mom to stay home, I would take him, and we would be back soon. So we went all the way back downtown to the ER, we arrived at 4PM. I dropped him off and ran in. When we got there, the place was absolutely packed. With my Dad being a cancer patient, you would think he would recieve special attention. None, and this is "the great Cleveland Clinic." We sat in the general population area for an hour. He was completely susceptible to infection and I begged for him to be placed in a separate room, and finally they put us in some back room with just one other family. This other man was writhing in pain and moaning loudly. Dad and I were freaking out having to listen to this poor man in pain. He was also suffering from some sort of cancer. Finally, after 2 and a half hours of waiting, they took us into the ER and gave us a room with no TV. We sat in the room for another hour. I paced up and down and begged for someone to put the tube in so we could get out of there and go home, but nobody came. Finally someone came in. She attempted to put the tube back through his nose. It was seriously the worst thing I've EVER seen. As she was doing this, it was though I was watching my Father choking to death. He was struggling to breath. This doctor couldn't do it correctly for some reason. So she tried again. This time, she had put it in, but before we left, they had to take an X-ray to make sure it was out in the correct spot. So we waited another hour and they took the X-ray. The results came back 25 minutes later, the tube was but in incorrectly. This woman had out the tube into his lung. The whole time he kept trying to tell me something was wrong but he couldn't speak. He was struggling to breath. So I now called my Mom to tell her what is going on and she was furious. She said to get to the head doctor of the ER and get this done and call her back after it was done. I got to this guy, Lane Smith - i'll never forget him. I told him the situation and basically demanded that he do this correctly or there would be hell to pay. I told him I did not appreciate watching my Father choke to death while some moron put in his tube incorrectly not once, but TWICE. He told me that I needed to watch my tone with him and that he "could get a monkey to put the tube in correctly." I was so insulted. I yelled at him "you do this now. If it is so easy that a monkey could do it, than why did this idiot before you do it wrong?" So he was going to put the tube in himself. After another 30 minutes, he put the tube in. This time I couldn't watch. So the tube was now in and we had to wait for another X-ray. It came back again - IN HIS LUNG! It is now 9PM. We have been there for 5 hours and nothing has been solved.

I couldn't believe this was happening. I called my mom and she headed straight to the Clinic. She came in and immediately began in on the doctors. The head Doctor was a woman. We told her the whole story of what had happened thought the last 5 hours and it was on her to fix this immediately before we really were going to pull rank. She was completely snippy back to my mother. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The woman told us she was going to have to get an EMT paramedic to come in and do this properly, but they didn't know when this was going to be happening. So we waited in a different room. This time with a TV. We had the Pistons/Pacers game on. My brother was courtside. Little did we know what was going to happen there a few minutes later. Finally around 10:45, an EMT came in and put the tube in correctly in about 10 seconds without completely choking my Dad out. They took the X-Ray after sitting around for another 30 minutes. This time, it was in correctly and we could leave.

My poor Father. We arrived at 4PM and didn't leave until midnight. He was so drained. He had nothing left. We drove home and he slept most of the way. When we got home, we had learned of what happened in Detroit and that MD was right in the middle of it. As we sat and watched all of the postgame coverage in the family room, dad got violently ill again and threw up his feeding tube once again. Mom and I decided that there was no way we could go back there that night and that in the morning, he was going to have to be re-admitted. He was too sick to be home. That was the single worst day of my life. Having to watch my father in such pain and suffering is an image that I can never get out of my head. I had nightmares about it for weeks. I still do occasionally. Little did I know that the worst was not even yet to come.

Day 39

I didn't sleep all that well again last night. Was up early listening to Howard and lying in bed. It is just crazy to think about what I was doing at this time last year. Again, its a place I don't ever want to go back to, physically or mentally. The Cleveland Clinic may be one f the best hospitals in the country, but it makes me sick. I feel like I need to put this down in writing to get it off my chest as this is something that I never really discussed outside of my mother, Matt, and Leah.

The situation at the Clinic just gave me the creeps. Dad was on the VIP floor, where worldwide dignitaries, actors, and athletes came for their surgeries. Everyone was able to get their own room there. Per Dad's request, nobody other than family would be allowed to even see him. Nobody. He was tired, he was weak, and he was hooked up to the chemo machines 24 hours a day. The bags had to be changed every 12 hours. They came in to check his vitals it seemed incessantly to me throughout the day. Once a day, dad had to get up and walk literally all the way across the hospital, per doctors request to get some energy going, and get his radiation treatments done. Everyday, he had the same appointment. And everyday that you went in there, you would see the same people awaiting their appointments. I'll never forget one man who we'd see in there everyday. He was wheelchair-bound, had a feeding tube in his nose, was bald from the chemo, and looked like he weighed 100 pounds. I couldn't even look in his direction. I just felt so sorry for him. Another man we saw everyday had burns so bad on his face, he looked like he had been permanently subjected to a wind storm. It was from the radiation. It burns your skin so badly sometimes that this is a side effect that eventually goes away. Mom, Matt, and I would sit there for 15-20 minutes, wait for the treatment to end, and then walk dad back across the hospital to his room.

As we got further into the treatments - at this week last year - dad was going to have to be fed through a tube because he couldn't swallow anything due to what the radiation and chemo was doing to his throat. My mom fed him Boost, an nutritional drink via a large syringe a few times a day. He could only take so much of it and he threw it up quite a bit. It was just heartbreaking. The rest of the time spent was Dad sleeping while watching TV. He just didn't talk. We printed out sports articles from the Internet, gave him the newspaper, magazines, etc. But he would end up reading for a while, and then falling asleep. I even went as far as reading him some of the articles to help him. One thing that will always stick with me was that Dad began to watch the Travel channel almost all day long. Even now, thinking of it, I am welling up. He was never one to watch this channel, but he did it for a reason. He whispered to me that he wanted to see all of the beauty of the vacation spots they talked about because after he beat cancer, he was going to see all of them in person. That was dad in a nutshell. The man was suffering, he was a shell of himself, yet he still stayed positive through it all. He was going to get out of there and live his life how he always had lived it - to the fullest.

The Sun would go down, Mom would feed him again, we would watch the 6 O'clock news and visiting hours would be over. Leaving the Clinic everyday was gut wrenching. I cried after every visit. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. What we were going through was unbelievably hard, but more so for my father. How there hasn't been a cure for cancer yet, I will never understand, but we need to keep donating and keep fighting to rid the world of this horrible disease.

Song of the Day: In honor of my dad being the man who gave shots in the Army, like he used to say in the "upper outer quadrant" of the butt. "Doctor Robert" by The Beatles.

Day 38

30 degrees, extremely windy, snow flurries, and just flat out cold. That is the state of Chicago here on November 16th of 2005. Today is the first REAL winter day here. We've been lucky for a while, but Winter is now upon us. When I took Casey around the block for a walk this morning, I couldn't wait to get back inside. My feet have been perpetually cold all day. Again, days like today I wish I had a house and a yard where I could just open my backdoor and let Casey go free and do what she has to do in the backyard. It is a chore to take her out. We live in a condo building on the 4th floor. So everytime I take her out, its put her leash on, put my jacket on, walk down the hall, get in the elevator and take it down, go outside and walk around the entire block. Casey loves talking her sweet ass time, especially when its cold for some reason. I can hear my mother now "this is exactly why I would never in a million years have a dog."

Side Notes - Ok, I am now writing this paragraph just minutes after I came in from walking Casey. Let me just say this ITS FREEZING. The wind is so strong out there. I am dreading the next time I have to set foot outside later. Only 37 days until we leave for Arizona......

I was real disappointed with the season finale of Laguna Beach Monday night. Literally nothing happened. Talk about old bits, watching 30 minutes of people saying phony goodbyes to each other. Lame.....

My Cleveland Cavaliers are off to a 5-2 start and look real good. Since I watched the Tribe essentially every day during the season and I always get the College Basketball package, I do not get the NBA package. I have to draw the line somewhere. The Cavs are on national TV quite a bit, so I watch those games. Although, somehow I get the feeling that I am missing the opportunity to watch the second coming of Michael Jordan; a fact that Ags has pointed out to me on several occasions. But NBA basketball is pretty boring to me. College Basketball is my sport and KU's season starts Friday night. I'll be split screening with the Cavs/Magic game on ESPN......

I'm at a loss today. Not much else to say. The cold has frozen my thought process.....

Song of the Day: "Royalty" by Gangstarr

Day 37

#37 - Chris Rockins - one of my least favorite Browns of all time. Steve Sewell abused him on "The Drive" in January 1987 on several key third and fourth down plays. But I digress......

I spoke to my Grandmother this morning. As tough of a time as this is for me, it has to be even worse for her. My Grandfather, the great AD, passed away in the summer of 2003 at age 95 leaving my Grandmother alone. Grandmom is as healthy and sharp as there is for age 91 (turns 92 on January 5th, same b-day as Leah). She still drives and can converse with you like she is 51. When my father died, she took it very hard and rightfully so. Nobody should have to lose a child. He barely let anyone see him when he was in the hospital except his family. He didn't want anyone to see him that way. Grandmom would come to the hospital from time to time, but it was more depressing than anything for my dad. As happy as he was to see her, she hadn't been emotionally strong enough to deal with something as big as this since Grandpop had passed away the summer before. But who could blame her?

Since last year, I have seen changes in her. She is one of the sweetest people you will ever want to meet, but since that day in the limo right after the funeral, it seemed to me that she had lost her will to live. She no longer goes to Florida in the winter like she had for decades with my grandfather. They stopped going when travelling became to much for him. Winters in Cleveland aren't exactly kind to the elderly. She has become a more spiritual person. She reads the bible and does quite a bit of praying. I call her now a lot more than I did before because I worry about her. Everytime we speak, it somehow ends with her in tears. Whenever I go home, I make sure to see her, usually for a meal. Usually at some point during that meal, conversations turn towards the subject of my father and I see her well up. It just breaks my heart beyond words. To see your grandmother, who has ben such a strong, strong woman and the rock of our family for so many years, cry is so tough to take. This summer when I was home, just the two of us had lunch at Mitchell's Fish Market. We had such a great time. We laughed, we talked, and she shared a few funny stories about my Grandfather that I had never heard before. We had such an amazing time. At the end of lunch, she made a point of telling me how much I am like my father and how proud of me she is. It meant the world to me. I truly am blessed to have such an amazing Grandmother.

Song of the Day: "The Stranger" by Billy Joel

Day 36

Nice to be back to some sort of realm of normalcy today. What a long weekend it was. Had to do my usual crap today, my weekly report, contracts, etc. Its a cold one out there. This week before thanksgiving is always crazy for me, but this year more so than any other year. I've got so much to do and so much on my mind right now. I am not sleeping particularly well of late. As I prefaced in a blog entry last week, these are the days from last year that I vividly remember, but I wish I could forget. Leah and I went to lunch yesterday and she asked me how I was feeling about the upcoming week and a half. I am so filled with mixed emotions. Its hard for me to think about the fact that a year ago this week, I had no idea I would be spending my last moments with my father, the man who I revered and tried my hardest to emulate; my role model as a father, a husband, and a friend. But I was lucky in a sense. Although he wasn't the same Bobby D we were all accustomed to, we were still together.

One of my last great times I spent with my dad was actually in that hospital room. Before he went into the hospital, some friends of his got him a DVD player to hook up in his room. One afternoon, I told Mom to take a break and go down to the cafeteria. It was just me and him. Dad did little other than sleep, get treatments, go to the bathroom and watch TV. He could barely talk. He just wasn't himself. The chemo had taken so much out of him. I popped in the DVD of The best of Triumph the Insult Comic dog. I sat in a chair next to him and spent an hour or so laughing hysterically. He rarely smiled during the last few weeks because of the pain, but he smiled and laughed as best he could while watching the DVD. I know it helped him forget, for a small time period, that he was suffering so much.

The darkness and the cold today may be doing this to me. It takes me back to the place that I never want to be again. In the next week and a half, there will be a lot of entries about my father, the last weeks of his life, and a tribute to him. As we close in on the one year anniversary of his passing, the last major hurdle I need to get over, I am reflecting on him more and more. It is so unbelievably unfair that he is gone, but as my Mom always says "nobody says life is fair."

Song of the Day: "8:16 AM" by 311

Day 35

Thank goodness it is Sunday. That is the one and only time you will hear me say that. Why? Because yesterday is over. Yesterday was the infamous Notre Dame/Navy game that I described a few days back. Lets just call yesterday the longest day of my life. I woke up at 6am, on the couch of my client's basement in Indiana, got dressed, and headed to my bosses house. We got there around 7 and headed for South Bend. The bloody mary's and beers had already begun for the others. We arrived in the parking lot at 8:15am for a noon kickoff. The parking lot was already pretty packed with tailgaters. They set up shop and started pounding the drinks. I started drinking some bloody mary's - when in rome. As time went passed, it just was getting more and more uncomfortable. The drunker they all got, the louder they all got. I started to feel as if I was at a frat party. I've spent plenty of time drunk and around drunk people, but never like this and never at 9 am. Like I said before, I am not a morning drinker and not one to tailgate, but I also didn't feel the need to be ridiculed for being a "pussy" for not getting completely obliterated. Be that is it may, the long morning of tailgating was over and we went into the game.

The game was very cool. My boss has good seats and the game was high scoring. Notre Dame won 42-21. I'll say this, it was probably because it wasn't a big game, but that was the quietest 90,000 fans I've ever seen at a sporting event. So earlier in the day, I had found out that we were going to tailgate postgame as well, but I had a 8:15 dinner reservation in the city. I'm thinking this wouldn't be a problem for a noon game and ND is only 90 minutes from Chicago. Well all day long, I was being chided about never making my dinner reservation and how I should call my wife and cancel. So the game ended around 3:30 and we sat in the parking lot and tailgating some more. Well I knew someone had to drive this group home and I knew my boss wanted me to drive home, so I wasn't drinking. These guys were horses, pounding beer after beer. I was hoping against hope that I would be able to leave the parking lot no later than 6, which would probably get me to the restaurant by 8:30, a little late. Luckily for me the game ended early enough to where this happened. We packed up the car and headed out around 5:30. Me driving a drunken crew in a giant Ford Expedition with a trailer attached to the back. The next hour in the car was crazy. Two guys were passed out while the other three proceeded to pound 20 beers while listening to AC/DC full blast. I have to admit, at that point, I was bordeline amused. I knew there was finally light at the end of the tunnel because I was on my way home. I just was so out of place all day. It was an experience to say the least.

We arrived back at my bosses house at 7, which gave me the hour I needed to make it to the restaurant, sans a shower. Luckily, I had my clothes from Friday night's dinner, so would where that shirt. I stopped at a Boston Market in Indiana to stick my head in the sink and wash my hands and face. I got to Ron of Japan at 10 after 8, right on time and I was starving. The bad news was they were very far behind on reservations. Long story short, they are morons there and we didn't sit until 9:50! If it wasn't such a specialized meal (Japanese steakhouse) that we had been craving for weeks, than we would have been out of there. So we finished dinner around 11:25 and got home around 11:45. I passed out so hard last night it wasn't even funny. So came the end of the longest day ever!

Song of the Day: "Coming in From the Cold" by Bob Marley

Day 34

Every morning, Leah wakes up somewhere between 5 and 5:30 and takes Casey out before getting ready for work. When she comes back and and gets in the showers. Casey jumps back in to bed, essentially steps all over me and wakes me up, before curling up and falling back asleep. Most of the time I fall back asleep with no problems, but lately I haven't been able to as much. This morning I tossed and turned until around 6:45 and lied in bed listening to Howard for a while before getting up. I was doing a lot of thinking about the last year, specifically where I was this time last year. My father was into his chemotherapy sessions and living at the Cleveland Clinic. My brother and I were doing shifts with my mother; half of the week he was there, and other half of the week I was there. We are coming up to what was at the time to be the worst week I ever had to endure at that point in my life. Little did I know, it would only get worse. Next week I will talk more about this, but it was in my thoughts this morning.

I just cannot explain to everyone how strong my mother was during that time. She was the most unbelievable advocate for my father that their could have been. She was always on. Always knew every question to ask the doctors and nurses during my father's treatments. This was so unbelievably draining on her, but she pressed on everyday, never once letting my father see any sign of weakness. And she was tough. We got a lot of mixed information at the Clinic. That is one of my major beefs with the whole process. We had so many different people giving us so many different opinions. You never knew who to believe. That was the most frustrating part of it all. Its hard to believe that a year ago at this time, we were going through an experience that would change all of our lives forever. Its something I would love to forget and erase from my memory but can't. If it were only a bad dream.......

I'm off for my night, morning, and day in the great state of Indiana. I'll have a full report on the Notre Dame tailgating experience went at some point on Sunday. The weather in South Bend tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and 60 degrees. I'll take that.

Song of the Day: "Rejoice" by Sizzla.

Day 33

I have never understood the point of tailgating for a football game. Saturday, my boss and I are taking my top client to the Notre Dame/Navy game. My boss is a huge Notre Dame fan and a lifelong season ticket holder. So the game is scheduled for a Noon CST kickoff. What time do you think my boss would like to be "up and out?" 8am? try again. 7am? nope. 6am. 6am? I told him he was nuts and he said "it's not just the game, it's the experience." He is a bigtime drinker, as is our client, who has become a friend of mine. Both my boss and my client live in Indiana, so I've been told the plan is to do a Friday night dinner in Merrilville, Indiana and then "up and out" by 6am to get their and tailgate. I am staying at my clients house Friday night. Its either that or leave my house at 4:30 am Saturday morning. Pretty sweet huh?

Now all of you who know me, know I am not one to get up and start drinking minutes after brushing my teeth, but that is what the plan calls for. Maybe 10 years ago it was in me, but not anymore. We will be in the parking lot at Notre Dame stadium by 7-7:30. What are we supposed to do before kickoff? Seriously, this may sound ridiculous, but I stand by my statement - Jews don't tailgate! Well, at least until Saturday they don't. I told my boss he better bring some bloody mary mix because that is about all I can handle at that time of the morning. I can barely function pre-7:30am during the week as is. So the game is at noon and college football games take forever - almost 4 hours. That will be one long day. Hopefully the sun will be out, and I will enjoy one of the best atmosphere's in all of sports. I can tell you one thing, I wouldn't expect a blog entry on Saturday. By the way, Notre Dame is -23.5. Any suggestions college football fans?

Solid night of TV tonight - 7PM The O.C. 8PM Reunion. Lock me in for a 9PM walk of Casey before retiring to the couch for a solid 30-45 minutes reading my book, Next Man Up by John Feinstein. It's a solid read that is an all access look into the inner workings on the Baltimore Ravens from last year. I have more respect for Ozzie Newsome after reading this book than I did before, and that was a lot.

KU had their first exhibition game last night, a 92-61 victory over the tough Fort Hays State squad. I am so excited for the college hoops season to start. This is the first time since I have been a fan of the Jayhawks that I have no idea what to expect. We come in unranked and our rotation in essentially all freshman and sophomores. Stud frosh Brandon Rush put on a clinic last night in his first college game, scoring 19 and grabbing 10 boards from the 3 spot. Sorry ladies - sometimes you have to read my sports ramblings!

Song of the Day: "Just Another Case" by Cru

Day 32

Last night, MD was working a late night west coast Pistons/Kings game from Sacramento, while I was watching The Amazing Race. We got into a little email conversation about fast food. I know that fast food for the most part is god awful for you and literally does nothing but clog your up and make you gain weight, but man do I love it. Back in the old days, I loved it a lot more, but then reality set in about 5-6 years ago that I couldn't just eat burgers and fries every single day and not expect anything to happen to me. MD is still the king of fast food, since he is one of the lucky ones who can eat crap all the time and you can never tell the difference. That being said, I wanted to rank my alltime favorites in fast food in specific areas:

Top 5 Best Overall Fast Food:
1. In & Out Burger - If you haven't had it, you are missing out. They stay on the west coast so they don't dilute themselves. Their Burgers with grilled onions and special sauce are the whup. As are their milkshakes

2. Chik-Fil-A - All of my Ctown brethren rejoice as your favorite spot at Beachwood place ranks #2 on the list. Best chicken nuggets of all time. Top notch chicken sandwiches (Ags and I prefer Chik, no pick - as in no pickles) are the specialty. The Polynesian sauce is too good. Bonus points for keeping it real - closed on Sunday's because the owners are Mormon.

3. Arbys - Some may disagree and say this is a little high, but Arby's Roast Beef sandwiches have always been close to my heart. Nothing more I enjoy than a 5 regulars for $5 special. Most underappreciated chicken sandwiches in the business. Horsey Sauce - yessah!

4. Potbelly's - I had to go with one mildly healthy option on this list. Most cost effective sandwiches in the city. I've said this for years, you opne one of these franchises in the Cleveland suburbs, its a gold mind. $3.99 for a solid sandwich. Unbelievable Oatmeal/Chocolate chip cookies, and great shakes. Best sandy on the menu, the Wreck. Most underrated - the baked PB & J.

5. Wendy's - An old school favorite. Is there anything better than an ice cold Frosty after a meal? Good square-patty burgers and the best chicken sandwiches in the business. Near and dear to my heart for the Chagrin boulevard location which has stood the test of time. Only negative? Pepsi products.

Just Missed the Cut: Chipotle, Del Taco, Cosi, Subway

Top 5 Fast Food Sandwiches:
1. In & Out Burger Double Double with cheese
2. Wendy's Monterey Ranch Chicken Sandwich
3. Arby's Giant Roast Beef
4. Chic-Fil-A Chicken Sandwich with Polynesian sauce
5. Cosi - Wasabi Roast Beef

Top 5 Fast Food Fries
1. McDonalds - still the best after all these years
2. Arby's Curly Fries
3. In & Out Burger- well done
4. Fat Burger - steak fries
5. Chik-Fil-A - Waffle Fries

Song of the Day: "Life's a Bitch" by Nas

Day 31

Day 31 is dedicated to three people:
Cousin Steve: the original #31 (old school photo attached)

My man Andy "call me Andrew in 2005" Rafal: the man who was dumb enough to carve his #31 in his arm with a pocket knife at one of my parties in high school and still has the scars to prove it.

Roots Ryan Sturch: The man who treats the #31 like I treat the #21.

Classic Cousin Steve-isms from the past, straight from my quotebook:
"We are all meat from the same bone."
"I'm half wise-man and half fool. Unfortunetely, the fool makes the majority of my decisions."
"Don't ever give me your address, because I WILL find you."
"How you live is directly proportionate to how you die."
"I'm all for marriage, as long as its other people."
"Why bang somebody when you are thinking about making love to somebody else."
"If you make something your master, you sure are going to be its slave."
"The Omens are telling me to stay in Reno."
"I like all kinds of music. Sound is god, god is sound, god is sound and love."
"I struggle with reality on a minute to minute basis."
"You know what the best thing about being 32 is? I'm Jim Brown all year long. At 33, I'll be Kareem, sky-hooking your ass all year long."
"Stick around, life's gonna get pretty interesting for the next 80-90 years."
"Never drown the man who taught you how to swim."
"After you experience true love, everything else falls short. Love and learning is what its all about."
"This world is so loaded with suffering that only the scent of a woman keeps me here."

I love looking through my old quotebook at some of the classic things my friends, family, athletes, and actors have said over the years. I started it in high school. I used to write down classic quotes on note cards and put them up on my cork board wall in my room. Credit must go to the original quote machine, Max Vermillion, my high school basketball coach, who once told a player on our team that he was "so slow, in a race with a pregnant woman, (he'd) finish 3rd." He had so many classic, that I started writing them down. This spawned the quotebook. The Irony of it all is that coach Vermillion was head coach at Beachwood when Cousin Steve was there and he cut him. After my senior season, where Max coached us to an 0-21 record, he was fired. Talk about karma.

edit from cousin steve: please update your faithful...vermillion did not cut me. he assaulted me in the new gym locker room when i was a freshman, 115 pounds, in front of my friends, just because we were messing around a little out of control..and i was one of the co-captains of the freshman team. so, the next year, after experiencing coach perella's truths, there was no way i way going to go play for that guy. it was a big deal in my house, my dad came all the way over and my mother and father and i had a big sit down at the kitchen table. they tried to convince me to keep playing, but you know how i am when i turn a corner: roberto duran-no mas

Song of the Day: "And it Stoned Me" by Van Morrison

Day 30

Do you think I should title the blog entries differently? I'm toying with it, although I like knowing the number of entries I have done. Just thinking out loud.

Just heard that Pete Rose Jr was just busted for selling steroids to minor league baseball players. He faces 20 years in prison. Made me start to think about fathers and sons. What must it be like to grow up the son of Pete Rose, one of the greatest baseball players of all time. Jr tried to be a pro baseball player and pretty much failed. He was a career minor league whom I believe never made it to the majors. Now he is potentially facing 20 years? Don't tell me that his father being a degenerate scumbag gambler didn't have anything to do with it.

Nobody was a bigger Pete Rose apologist than my father. Dad was Pete's biggest fan. He had more Pete Rose memorabilia than you can imagine. He loved the way Pete played, all out, balls to the wall, Charlie Hustle style. His favorite picture of Pete he had blown up and autographed (because Pete is the single biggest autograph whore of all time). It was Pete, standing at 3rd base, uniform full of dirt after a headfirst slide. He had two copies, one in the Dery hall of fame, the other in his office.

I'd say I was 7 or 8 years old at the time and Pete was going to start the season playing for Montreal, who's spring training facility was in West Palm Beach, Florida, where my grandparents spent their winters. Every spring break as kids, we would go spend a week visiting them and we always went to Spring Training games, both the Expos and the Braves who shared the complex. So that one year Pete was playing for the Expos, Dad somehow arranged a way for us to meet Pete before the game and get our picture taken with him. I remember I had never seen my Dad so excited and so nervous in my life. He was going to meet one of his heroes. So a few hours before the game, all four of us went down to the field for the meeting. I remember vividly how Pete acted so completely annoyed that he had to do this. My dad said to him how it was such an honor to meet him and how much he admired the way he played the game and Pete was like "great, can we take the picture and get this over with." My dad looked like a little kid who just found out that Santa Claus wasn't real. We took the picture and he left faster than we could say thank you to him. My mom has the picture at the house, but I don't have a copy to put on the blog. When I go home for Thanksgiving, I'll get it, scan it, and put it up for you to see.

What is my point with this story? Other than Pete Rose is a lying scumbag who couldn't even treat one of his best fans and his family well, nothing really. Its hard to come up with good material everyday for my faithful readers!

Song of the Day: "A Children's Story" by Slick Rick

Day 29

A few Random Sunday morning musings....

#29 reminds me the Andre "Thunder" Thornton, which in turn reminds me of my father. Andre Thornton for those of you who don't know was the Indians DH in the 80's. As far as I can remember, he was the first Indian player to make a salary of 1 million dollars a year, and as far as my dad was concerned, he didn't even come close to deserving it. Everytime he would strike out or not come through in a key situation, my dad would always yell "1.1 you stiff," as in 1.1 million dollars a year. Ask MD, you mention Andre Thornton and the first thing we say is "1.1."My dad has a long history of riding his own players - Thornton, Sandy Alomar, Mike Hargrove, and most of all Paul Shuey.

We saw the movie Jarhead yesterday. A word to the wise, skip this one. It was terrible. So slow, so boring, and literally zero story. I love reading the reviews that say "This is the Platoon of this generation." Talk about an insult to Platoon. I must have looked at my watch 15 times. Leah fell asleep, and Mark P and I , who almost never agree on movies, were in total agreement on this one - garbage.

Friday night had a great mean at Sabatino's with our friends Jaime and Steve. This place is straight old school. Its located in kind of an out of the way place, west of the Kennedy expressway on Irving Park in the old Irving Neighborhood. You walk into the restaurant through a smokey bar area that is dark and looks like it is straight out of Good Fellas. When you sit, in addition to the bread, they give each table a plate of pizza bread, which is amazing. They have some of the best Chicken Parm you will ever want to eat. Solid wine selection and an interesting crowd to say the least. I highly recommend it.

Great commercial I just saw for ESPN radio. A little girl is talking to her teacher after school with her father. They are going over her test results. The teacher says "Famous pioneers. The Williams Sisters? Who led the Rebel Forces. Jerry Tarkanian? Name an accomplished Indian Chief. Mike Hargrove? They fast forward to the car where the father said "great call of Hargrove, sweetie" while ESPN radio is playing in the background. Great stuff.

This Terrell Owens saga is a joke. Talk about your textbook a-hole. I hope he never plays another down in the NFL. But the Eagles are to blame as well. You dance with devil and eventually you get burned.

I was out at two different 30th b-day parties at bars last night. All I can say is bring on the smoking ban! There is nothing worse than coming out of a bar and your clothes absolutely reeking of smoke. You people in California and New York don't know how good you have it. Supposedly, the smoking ban is going to be voted on and passed by April here. One can only hope so. If Lawrence, Kansas has a smoking ban in bars and restaurants, than I think Chicago should be able to as well.

Song of the Day: "I Used to Love H.E.R." by Common

Day 28

All I know is I didn't realize that I had such an audience. I had three people, my mother being one, asking me why my blog wasn't up yet. What is with you people? I mean, sometimes, I actually am busy with work and have a life! Just kidding. I am so flattered by all of the feedback and comments. I love the comments on the blog so keep them coming. If you have any suggestions, I am game.

Today was a beautiful day to be alive. Nothing like 70 degrees and sunny in Chicago on Nov 4th. The leaves are all over the ground in so many different colors. Watching Casey frolic around in the leaves is classic. I have to go see my client every Friday, so its not like I got the chance to spend too much time outside today. Traffic was actually mild on the way home. Thank goodness. I am like my mom when it comes to bad traffic - zero patience. I seriously don't know how Leah does it everyday, let alone the 6 years she has lived in the city. I'll be the first to admit, I take this aspect of her life for granted. She gets up everyday at 5:20, drives an hour North to work in the suburbs, works a 9 to 10 hour day, then drives home in bumper to bumper traffic, which always at a minimum takes an hour. Most days its more like an hour and a half. And yet, she stays so calm (most of the time!). She has expressed to me for years how she either would want to move to the burbs or to get another job in the city, but she is so good at what she does that she continues to get promoted. So it becomes worth her while to stick around. Not to pat myself on the back too much, but I think the fact that I do the majority of the cooking is a big help to her. I have basically taught myself to be a decent cook just by following recipes. Since I work from home, it behooves me to do the cooking when I can. What am I supposed to do, have Leah come home after a two hour traffic jam and say to her, "by the way, what is for dinner?" That would be so wrong. So I do what I can. Nobody makes better, or more kinds of baked chicken than this guy.

Want to send happy 30th birthday shoutouts to my old friends Lindsay, Jennifer, and my boy Stu. Want to hear something strange? I know only two sets of fraternal twins - Jen & Lindsay, Stu & his sister - both born on November 5th, 1975.

Song of the Day: "Air Hoodlum" by Public Enemy

Day 27

#27 - Mel Hall. Remember my boy with the dripping jerry curl hair coming out of his hat? My dad once had a Mel Hall game worn hat. It resides in the basement. Still to this day, you can feel the hair grease in the bill of the hat. MD loved Mel Hall. One of his favorite Indians of alltime. Any guy who didn't wear batting gloves, but put them in his back pockets so when he hit a home run, he could wave at the pitcher when rounding the bases, had to be cool.

Speaking of MD - I think about him everyday. As tough as this year has been on me, it has been that much harder on him. On top of all of the shit he has had to endure with the death of my father and my mothers illness, he has been struggling with his marriage. As many of you already know, MD is headed towards divorce. He moved into an apartment yesterday. He is still seeing his kids as much as he can, but this is quite an adjustment for him. This past weekend was the first time I have spent with him since he decided a split was necessary, and I had mixed emotions. He seemed very happy and free. The "Old MD" was back. He handled himself with both of the kids unbelievably well and he is an amazing father. At the bar mitzvah party I could see at points he seemed a little out of sorts and understandably so. This was his first big family function and outing in Cleveland by himself since he was 21. Being in that situation with so many people that love and care about him was a big help in my opinion. But again, rocky times are going to be ahead.

MD has been blessed with two beautiful children. Now that basketball season is beginning, he will be traveling constantly and the times he will spend with his kids will be lessened. Its a tough spot to be in. Does one stick around, being very unhappy in your marriage just so you can be with you children, or do you decide to spilt apart to make yourself whole again, while seeing you children less? I cannot even imagine how hard of a decision that must have been for him, but everyone is entitled to be happy and live a somewhat drama free existence. My job, and our job as his friends and family, is just to keep supporting him and loving him as best as we can. I have seen the growth in MD over the past 2 years or so, and it is astounding to me. I am very proud to say he is not only my brother, but my best friend.

Song of the Day: "Things Done Changed" by The Notorious B.I.G.

Day 26

Ive been in sort of a somber mood of late, and I think my blog entries have illustrated that. Time for some social commentary.

I'm a little worried about the new Supreme Court Justice nominee appointed by W. Everything I have read says that this Samuel Alito character is a very conservative man. Democrats don't like it, and the Republicans, especially on the far right, are applauding it. I have talked about this in previous posts, but my main concern is that Alito will be shifting the balance of power to the right and Abortion Rights will be taken away in this country. To quote the great Mark P, I am pro-choice, but not pro-abortion. But a woman's right to choose is one of the many great things about being American - or freedoms to express ourselves and do the things we need to do in our lives to make things right for us as individuals.

Everyone who knows me knows that like my father, I watch way too much bad television. My TV picks as of right now are as follows:
The Amazing Race - this is by far the best reality show on tv. They are doing a family edition this time around and I thought it was going to be lame. It isn't.
Gray's Anatomy - best drama on tv. Ive written about this before, but it is a solid mix of humor and seriousness.
Laguna Beach - come on now, you know you love it! Nothing like rich, good looking high school seniors and college freshman and the angst. While Kristen is still the hottest, LC is by far the most improved. Anyone who saw her in the white bikini a few episodes back cannot disagree with me.
Curb Your Enthusiasm - while it isn't as good as it used to be (like anything else that gets stale), its still pretty funny.
Reunion - Only 3 episodes old, but has massive potential. We enjoy it.
The O.C. - again, getting a little kookie this year, the writing has gone downhill, but I still look forward to it every week.
Pardon The Interruption - Mr. Tony and Wilbon still keep it fresh everyday. They are the originators of this genre of tv.

Is there anyone less attractive than Camilla Parker Bowles?

Why is it that new music is so unbelievably bad? I'm not trying to sound old, but it is so true. New rock and roll is bad, new rap is worse. Pop music? forget it. And what is with Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Duff, et all trying to be singers? There are a few newer acts that are worth listening to, like Coldplay or 50 Cent for example. But these poser bands like Nickelback or Ying Yang Twins? Please. They are an insult to Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Van Morrison, Public Enemy and 2Pac.

Song of the Day: "Rock Box" by Run DMC

Day 25

I cannot believe we are into November finally. This has been the single longest year of my life. The last 12-13 months feels like it has been a decade. Talk about going the the emotional wringer. This month obviously has a ton of significance for me. To be honest, I can't wait for it to be over. This is just another one of those life events I need to get past. I needed to get past Father's Day, My Dad's birthday, My parents anniversary, Tribe Opening Day, The first home Browns game. All of this leads up to the anniversary of his death and his stone setting at the cemetery. I am resigned to the fact that Thanksgiving weekend will never be the same again. The drive home from Chicago to Cleveland has had an eerie feeling since that day because that is what I was doing when I found out dad had passed away. I'll be doing that same drive on the same day before thanksgiving in a few weeks. Lock me up for shedding some tears on that 5 plus hour drive. Its all good though. I am not afraid to cry. I have cried more in this past year than I have the previous 15 years combined.

I am not one for religion these days, as most of my readers already know, but after my dad passed away, I sat with the Rabbi and he said something that has always stuck with me - Everyone grieves in their own way and everyone has a right to grieve how they want to. My Grandmother is very much into praying and "talking to God" every single night before bed. While I may not agree with her, if it works for her, than that is all that matters. Part of my grieving is this blog, my personal journal that just I write in with my memories of my father, and doing a quick meditation when I do Yoga a few times a week. All of it, in addition to the love and support of my family and friends, especially Leah, keeps me on the level.

Song of the Day: "It Ain't Easy" by 2Pac.